Enjoy this *Complimentary Waste of Time* by NotGraphs

The present author–a man in deep need of competitive stimulation–has been vigilantly tracking the results of an online poll he posted on these very pages just last week. Such is the state of his life right now. What he has found has been nothing short of pure, jubilant sex. You continue to get a sense of the author’s life. But really: tracking the results of the online poll has revealed a tight, sensitive race moaning with intrigue, betrayal, and lead changes. Mainly lead changes. Sexy lead changes.

RECAP: Last Thursday I generated some ideas for useless metrics by thinking of a word, writing that word in ALL CAPS, then writing out what that WORD might mean were it to measure some aspect of Major League Baseball. I then asked you to vote for your favorite pseudometric, keeping in mind that after this metric is created it can never be undone and will forever change the landscape of statistics (if the landscape of statistics was a Saharan dune and this metric was a dying breeze, shifting three to five grains of sand). I didn’t really say all that but you get the picture. I’m not great at brevity. Just go back and read the post.

Here is a “screen grab!” of the results of the poll, with the number of votes for each poll option obfuscated with MS Paint brushstrokes:


Now, here is another poll asking you which wedge you think is biggest:


It’s very close. No pseudo-metric has taken the lead definitively, though one has definitely dropped out. (Fuck you!, W3thRMN!). I may attempt all but one of the above metrics, or the top three, or something. The point of this post, really–and sorry (sort of, not really) for wasting your time–is that I will attempt some unknown number of these metrics, but that I haven’t yet. Another point is that the author is bereft of original ideas this Tuesday morning and is writing essentially nothing while attempting to placate you, the reader, with stuff to click.

AND ALSO WITH A MAZE!! This maze that I whipped out on MS Paint (high-five!) in less than 12 minutes represents Bud Selig’s long and arduous hunt for evidence to destroy Alex Rodriguez. Begin at the weirdly pixelated/leprosy’d picture of Bud Selig frowning, then navigate the maze (make sure to pick up the evidence/syringes!) until you reach the reviled henchman of xBEPHYRGROTHHx himself: Alex Rodriguez! Enjoy this complimentary waste of time!



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Zach is an egregious malcontent whose life goal is to literally become the London Tube. @itszachreynolds.

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Fernando Tatis
Fernando Tatis
2 years 8 months ago