Eno Sarris’s Entirely Unhelpful Pronuncuation Guide

RotoGraphs editor Eno Sarris has demonstrated — during any number of appearances on FanGraphs Audio and/or VIP-type meetings among the site’s VIP-type managers — has demonstrated a singular ability to mispronounce every name there is, mostly.

With the existence of said ability having been established, NotGraphs presents here an excerpt from Sarris’s Entirely Unhelpful Guide to the Pronunciation of Certain Baseballers’ Names — with audio clips of Sarris himself abusing the spoken language much like one might a disobedient horse.

While we make no effort here to say what the right pronunciations are of the following prospects’ names, we will say that all of Sarris’s attempts are very likely wrong.

1. Cavan Cohoes, SS/OF, Seattle

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2. Mike Foltynewicz, RHP, Houston

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3. Rougned Odor, 2B, Texas

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4. Keyvius Sampson, RHP, San Diego

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5. Matt Szczur, OF, Chicago (NL)

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Carson Cistulli occasionally publishes spirited ejaculations at The New Enthusiast.


12 Responses to “Eno Sarris’s Entirely Unhelpful Pronuncuation Guide”

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  1. jcxy says:

    YES! More, please!

    +8 Vote -1 Vote +1

  2. Mrs. Cistulli says:

    I love how my illegitimate demon-spawn casually drops his participation in VIP meetings.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  3. Brian Cartwright says:

    Callis & Goldstein have said that Matt pronounces Szczur as “SEEzer” (Caesar) but ones I know personally call themselves sahZOOR.

    I think %newicz is pronounced as %nevich

    Vote -1 Vote +1

    • Well-Beered Englishman says:

      Correct on -nevich. In Polich cz = ch and sz = sh, which means were Matt Caesar/Sazoor to go to Poland, he would be Matt Shchoor. I would humbly suggest that stat-lover and humourous television person Michael Schur actually has this last name too, at least, the Ellis-Island-respelt variant of it.

      In order to verify this, of course, it will be necessary for Carson to bring Michael Schur onto FanGraphs Audio and inquire into his genealogy, as well as such matters as the ideal sabermetric batting order of the cast of Parks and Recreation.

      Vote -1 Vote +1

      • Well-Beered Englishman says:

        …a sitcom which, I belatedly realise, actually featured a main character named %newicz in seasons 1 and 2.

        Vote -1 Vote +1

  4. Well-Beered Englishman says:

    Now, at last, we know the One True Pronunciation of Szczur!

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  5. RA Rowe says:

    This is exquisite.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  6. thirteenthirteen says:

    Marc Rzepczynski next, please.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

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