Ervin Santana Still Deciding What to Eat for Breakfast Yesterday

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CAPTION: Ervin Santana checking to see if there is any news yet as far as his decision.

In breaking Ervin Santana news…

Santana still deciding what to eat for breakfast yesterday

It was initially reported that Santana had accepted an offer from waffles, but after french toast swooped in with the promise of a smaller deal with more incentives (free syrup), Santana promised to decide by 5PM. The deadline came and went with no answer, the waffles got cold, and then cereal came in with a three-bowl offer worth a reported 42 mini marshmallows. As the days continue to pass, we await word….

Santana hoping to pick out his costume today for Halloween ’09

After more than 50 months of no updates from Santana regarding the costume he would be wearing to a 2009 Halloween party, we heard this weekend that he had chosen to go with Captain Sully Sullenberger, who made the heroic emergency plane landing on the Hudson. This would have ended a 4+ year impasse, but we then received conflicting reports that he had decided to go as Michael Jackson’s doctor. Complicating things even further — a last-minute rumor that Santana would actually be dressing as Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor. All three costumes await further news…

Santana realizes Daylight Savings Time mistake

“Oh, when I said 5:00, I thought because of Daylight Savings Time, that was going to be next week. I promise, I promise, I’ll decide before the All-Star Break. Or before I get an arm injury. I hope. Maybe I’ll flip a coin. Do they have coins in Canada?”

Santana injured in accidental shooting

Unclear whether Alex Anthopoulos, Dan Duquette, or Terry Ryan is the leading suspect. Or perhaps it’s all of the fantasy baseball players who had drafts this past weekend.



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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.


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triple_r
Member

He should have accepted that 3-bowl Lucky Charms qualifying offer.

Pascual Perez
Guest
Pascual Perez

I think I saw him driving around on I-285 near Spaghetti Junction. Can’t seem to decide where to turn off.

Funny, cause the Braves aren’t even interested in him.

Puig's Translator
Guest
Puig's Translator

He ought to have spent some more time deciding what to wear. That Sweater is bad.
ow ow ahwhooooo!!!!

Umpire Weekend
Guest
Umpire Weekend

Is he still married to Cliff Huxtable’s oldest daughter?

Billy
Guest
Billy

All I know is wherever he is, he’s certainly considered a big deal. Look at that security detail…

Yes
Guest
Yes

This guy is a pitcher.

Ervin Santana
Guest
Ervin Santana

Just you wait, I’ve almost settled on a comeback for this article

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