Excerpts from Mike Piazza’s New Memoir

mike piazza eating cereal

“…and so I knew it was time to hang it up once I realized my O-Swing % with the A’s in ’07 was way higher than my career norms.”

“…the numbers might say I was -62.9 fielding runs for my career, but my off-the-cuff calculations had me at something closer to -40. Then again, I was a late convert from Total Zone to UZR.”

“…sure, you could say my numbers were a little low in high leverage situations. But if you look at how I did with men in scoring position, you’ll see there’s no statistically significant difference with how I did when no one was on base.”

“…did I use steroids? Let’s just say I did a comprehensive cost-benefit calculation and made the economically rational decision, taking into account the risk of getting caught and the reputational effects factored out over the rest of my expected years of remaining life.”




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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.


2 Responses to “Excerpts from Mike Piazza’s New Memoir”

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  1. Everybody Clap Your Hands says:

    The proverbial make your heaping bowl of cereal and eat it too

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  2. Mr. Observant says:

    Umm, not to misconstrue an innocent moment or anything but is Mr. Met caressing Mike’s hair in this photo? Not that there’s anything wrong with a ball-headed humanoid caressing a man’s hair…

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