MLB TeeVee: Park Factors and Recreation

A couple of weeks ago, I offered up a number of potential titles for sitcoms that would be perfect for MLB Network. The most popular, according to the poll, was Mad About Yu. Also getting a solid number of votes: Saved by Heath Bell, Leave it to Weaver, Diff’rent Smoaks, and Will (Clark) and (Mark) Grace. You submitted a number of your own suggestions– most plus’d in the comments were SeinFuld and Maddon’s Men. Other reader suggestions I liked were Two and a Half Nen, Park Factors and Recreation, and The Big Hurt Theory.

That makes ten. Starting today, I’ll be presenting short excerpts from each of these television shows.

First up, PARK FACTORS AND RECREATION.

INT. LESLIE’S OFFICE -- DAY

LESLIE and TOM are staring at a board filled with names and statistics.

LESLIE

Today is a very special day of the year. Not my favorite day of the year, but definitely in my top ten. My top twenty, for sure. Probably in my top one hundred days of the year. Because today is the day we get to decide Pawnee’s Little League MVP. I never won the Little League MVP award when I was growing up. I won the Lightest Bat award, Smallest Strike Zone, Most Ejections...

TOM

Leslie, the award should clearly go to Logan Smith. He’s batting .650 with 13 home runs in only 45 at-bats.

LESLIE

But, Tom, he plays his home games in Greengrass Park.

TOM

So?

LESLIE

You know the fences in Greengrass Park are only 4 feet high. And there’s hardly any foul ground.

TOM

So?

LESLIE

So the rightful winner should be Jason Tucker, who plays his home games in the ditch behind the Home Depot.

TOM

But Jason only batted a .475.

LESLIE

That ditch suppresses right-hand power by 64%, and batting average by almost half. Fully adjusted, it’s no contest. His numbers are crazy.

TOM

No, what’s crazy is adjusting for the park but not for the quality of the opposition. Logan faced some of the league’s best pitchers.

LESLIE

Yeah, but Jason played all season with a broken thumb.

TOM

So?

LESLIE

And I heard Logan was juicing.

TOM

He drank grape juice, Leslie.

LESLIE

That’s still juice.

TOM

I think we need to check their birth certificates.

LESLIE

Tom, while their true ages may affect the forecasting of their performance going forward, even you should realize it has no impact on their value this past season. If we were adjusting for age, we’d be giving the award to the infant who pitched for the Waffle House Wizards.

TOM

She was amazing.

LESLIE

That spitball was incredible.




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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.

19 Responses to “MLB TeeVee: Park Factors and Recreation”

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  1. Kyle says:

    This is awesome. Looking forward to future excerpts!

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  2. This guy says:

    Saved by Heath Bell: The Marlins Years doesn’t come close to the original.

    +23 Vote -1 Vote +1

  3. Big Daddy V says:

    But what were the names you didn’t like?

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  4. Aisle 424 says:

    Needed more Ron Swanson.

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    • Hosewalt says:

      RON
      Leslie, this is a waste of our time and of taxpayer money. We all know no child this year should receive the MVP because they all failed to complete the league’s mandatory juice test.

      LESLIE
      Well how about we give all the kids an award? Isn’t that the fairest thing to do?

      QUICK CUT to close up of RON, steaming underneath his blank expression.

      Vote -1 Vote +1

      • Lugo says:

        Ron wouldn’t support the big government/league interference of mandatory testing.

        Vote -1 Vote +1

        • Jeremy Blachman says:

          Don’t worry, Ron will make an appearance in part 2 of this script, which I’m kind of dying to write now.

          Vote -1 Vote +1

  5. Ben says:

    I would watch Will Clark and Mark Grace so hard…

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  6. Nate says:

    Mike Schur gave this a tweet!

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  7. That was great. Looking forward to the rest.

    It is too late for a write-in vote? I’d love to read a scene from “WARP in Cincinnati”.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

    • Jeremy Blachman says:

      Not too late for write-in votes, as I discover that some of these, despite great titles, are really hard to write. Two and a Half Nen seemed so promising until I started typing.

      Vote -1 Vote +1

      • Well-Beered Englishman says:

        Arrested Development.

        It doesn’t sound like a baseball joke until you realize it’s about Jeffrey Loria going to prison while Randy St. Claire has to watch over Logan Morrison, Hanley Ramirez, Jose Reyes, and Ozzie Guillen try to get jobs, while the family matriarch (Carlos Zambrano) gets drunk and insults everyone and Heath Bell falls in love with his cousin.

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  8. Matt M says:

    Holy shit, this was amazing. They need to make this episode!

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  9. RC says:

    Why limit to sitcoms? Who here wouldn’t watch “Rays of our Lives”?

    Vote -1 Vote +1

    • JOE
      I saw you on the other side second base, Rodriguez. You think I wouldn’t notice?

      RODRIGUEZ
      I’m glad you did. Playing on the left side of second? That’s what a shortstop’s supposed to do.

      JOE
      I didn’t hire you to play shortstop. I hired you to play my game. And if you can’t handle that, I can get Elliot or Reid to take your place in a moment. Don’t think I won’t.

      RODRIGUEZ
      Evan and I are going to the left side and there’s nothing you can do about it! I’m tired of your shifts!

      Vote -1 Vote +1

  10. Bryz says:

    This is an excellent idea. Can’t wait to see the others!

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  11. Matt says:

    How about CHAN HO PARK & RECREATION?
    We even made a poster. ;)
    pic.twitter.com/qBAAfHan

    Vote -1 Vote +1

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