Fantasy Baseball Purity Test

Two points for every “yes” response.

Have you ever…
1. Been in a fantasy league?
2. …more than five in a season?
3. …more than ten?
4. Done a mock draft, just for fun?
5. …even when they stopped being fun?
6. …even while you had other things you knew you should have been doing, and the idea of practicing for a fake thing by doing an even more fake thing made you feel like the most useless person in the world, yet you couldn’t resist?
7. Owned a copy of Ron Shandler’s Baseball Forecaster?
8. …an autographed copy?
9. Told a major league player that he was on your team?
10. …asked him to steal more bases?
11. …asked him to stop walking so many hitters?
12. …got punched in the face by him?
13. Made a trade at a wedding?
14. …at your own wedding?
15. …while you should have been at your own wedding, but you got there late, because you were still negotiating?
16. Owned Todd Van Poppel, because this was finally going to be the year?
17. …Oliver Perez, any year but 2004?
18. …Andy Marte? Corey Patterson? Ruben Mateo?
19. Derived your own fantasy projections?
20. …and won your league with them?
21. Invented a new formula?
22. …Named it after yourself?
23. …Did anyone else ever use your amazing new formula?
24. …Do you even remember what it was?
25. Longed for the days before Yahoo, when you had to buy USA Today on Tuesdays and Wednesdays and add up columns of stats by hand?
26. …Really? Did you have nothing better to do? I mean, my excuse is that I was 15 years old, but, seriously, this was hours of work. I could have invented Google or something if I had just taken all of the hours spent adding up columns of numbers and learned how to program instead.
27. Bought a copy of The Sporting News fantasy baseball magazine, not because it said anything you didn’t already know but just because it was there, the first beacon of light in a cold winter offseason, and you had to have it?
28. Made a Pivot Table in Excel, in order to… uh, do whatever it is a Pivot Table does?
29. Brought a computer to a fantasy draft?
30. …a desktop computer?
31. …with a program you designed to enable the draft board to appear, with real-time results, on a TV screen?
32. Made a deal with your significant other, letting you go to your draft in exchange for doing some other thing he or she wanted to do that you found horribly boring?
33. …involving his or her parents?
34. Broken up with someone because of an argument over the amount of time/money/energy you were spending on your fantasy baseball team?
35. …and did you ever regret it, or not so much, because he/she was awful for so many other reasons?
36. Thought about trading your significant other for Troy Tulowitzki?
37. …and successfully made that trade?
38. …and, in retrospect, feel like you probably got the better deal?
39. Stayed up past a sensible bedtime to wait for a player to clear waivers so you could grab him first?
40. E-mailed Yahoo or an equivalent complaining about a player not on the free agent list?
41. Had a dream about your fantasy team?
42. …a [this word has been censored to protect young children] dream?
43. …a dream which inspired you to make a trade the next morning?
44. Rooted against your favorite team, for fantasy purposes?
45. Prayed for everyone on your favorite team to reach on an error, so at least the runs would be unearned?
46. Hoped for a rainout?
47. …did you attempt to invent a machine to change the weather?
48. …did you succeed?
49. Won your league?
50. Lost your league, but, genuinely, honestly, believed it was more fun that way?

Your point total fills in the blank: Your life has been ___% destroyed by fantasy baseball. Good luck next season.




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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.


32 Responses to “Fantasy Baseball Purity Test”

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  1. Michael Barr says:

    the preamble to our community constitution.

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  2. harpago17 says:

    You should have asked, “Currently have an Excel program open in the other window in order to create next year’s projections as early as possible?”

    I feel dirty now.

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  3. Eno Sarris says:

    Yes to WAAAAAAAY too many of these. Told Derek Holland this would be his year and then drafted him twice. Had twelve leagues this year and my own projections. Mocked too many times this year. Owned all those players except Mateo. Soo many of these. Great list.

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  4. wiersNRAF says:

    Only 46%, I don’t feel as nerdy now!

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  5. Yirmiyahu says:

    0%.

    Am I unwelcome here?

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  6. juan pierre's mustache says:

    quick technical question: if the only one that applies is #42, but it applies, say, 200 times, should i count it more than once? i wouldn’t want to skew the results

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  7. So many yeses, so much shame. My boyfriend and I are in the same fantasy league — a high stakes 6×6 keeper league — which leads to all kinds of fun, including one night in which I may or may not have gotten really, really mad and maybe or maybe not thrown a book when he traded Jonathan Broxton to someone else after I’d been making offers for weeks.

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  8. Chris says:

    Ever hope for a rain out? Never. Ever hope that a pitcher in a roto league would take a line drive off the ankle, shattering it causing him to lose a season so that the league leader in K’s and ERA would plummet? Far too many times to count.

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    • glassSheets says:

      Head to head league leads to a lot of hoping for Sunday rain outs. Or at least rain delays so my starting pitcher comes out of the game because I just took over WHIP and/or ERA and the next runner/run he gives up will give it back.

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  9. Bob Loblaw says:

    Only 12%. I’m…ashamed?

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  10. Jeremy Blachman says:

    Meant to leave this comment right after I posted the list, but… 44%. I can’t even win my own test, let alone my fantasy leagues.

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  11. Derek says:

    I’ve wished for players I truly admire and respect to have season-ending injuries. I know. I’m sick.

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  12. SF 55 for life says:

    46% . . . well that explains a lot.

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  13. Noah Isaacs says:

    How is there no mention of Chris Davis? I took him in the 4th round and called him a sleeper.

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  14. bowie says:

    …ever calculated your fantasy team’s FIP to prove to yourself that your pitching really was better than it seemed?

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  15. GotHeem says:

    This is in the top 5 for funniest posts of the season, if not the funniest of the season.

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  16. The Rajah says:

    I wish I could have gotten Tulo for my ex-wife. I got nothing for her and still won the trade!

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  17. Toasty says:

    10% for me. And anyone who says they’ve never done #44 (assuming they’ve ever been in a fantasy league, of course) is lying. It’s sad but true.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

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