Five Team Names That Are Still Available

Steiger
Rod Steiger would not care to hear about your semester abroad.

Periodically, the editors of NotGraphs compile a brief list of team names that remain unused at any level of baseball, accompanied by some suitable hometowns and likely mascots — with a view, that is, to aiding any clubs (either extant or prospective) in search of same. What follows is such a list.

***

Team Name: Fighting Post-Structuralists*
Possible Locations: Berkeley, CA; The Main Quad of Hampshire College
Mascot: A gender-less, race-less creature to which each member of the crowd will inevitably attach his or her own associations, anyway.

Team Name: Flatizza, Coolatta, McRib Cats
Possible Locations: Middle America
Mascot: The obesity epidemic, personified.

Team Name: Giants of Lobbying Giants
Possible Locations: Washington, DC; Anywhere in Texas, Probably
Mascot: Four of them actually: a cigarette, a hypodermic needle, an oil derrick, and a military drone — all of which compete in a race during the fourth inning of every home game.

Team Name: Marion Cotillard XXX Pics and Video Sox
Possible Locations: Montreal, QC; Quebec City, QC; Other Cities Amenable to French and Sexy Ladies
Mascot: A hybrid character featuring the head of Marion Cotillard but the nude body of a sad, nameless trollop.

Team Name: Uncaring and Emotionally Distant Fathers
Possible Locations: Mid-Century Brooklyn
Mascot: A foam and wire replica of the late Rod Steiger.

*Which name, one notes, is actually rejected by the team itself.




Print This Post

Carson Cistulli occasionally publishes spirited ejaculations at The New Enthusiast.


10 Responses to “Five Team Names That Are Still Available”

You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.
  1. wunderful says:

    genuinely amusing:
    “A gender-less, race-less creature to which each member of the crowd will inevitably attach his or her own associations, anyway.”

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  2. MDL says:

    A Hampshire College reference?! NotGraphs, you surprise me once again.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  3. scatterbrian says:

    And with that I’m researching a relocation to Canada.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  4. Mike Green says:

    The Structuralist pre-game festivities are worth the price of admission. Danish zookeepers feed a giraffe to a lion for the entertainment of the children. Jennifer Lawrence throws out the first pitch while letting loose a rape-scream. The national anthem is, of course, Jimi Hendrix’s version from Woodstock on vinyl.

    The post-game sabermetric fair on the field with all-natural juices has to be seen once.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  5. fra paolo says:

    The Fighting Post-Structuralists’ mascot suspiciously resembles the Greendale Human Being.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  6. Will says:

    Carson, I went to Hampshire, and that is perfect! That said, we already have a good name (for our only sport, Ultimate Frisbee): The Red Scare.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  7. SeattleSlew says:

    This was depressing. It seems like the writer was going for a dark humor but he points out some of the main problems in American society today. (Confusion of identity, obesity, addiction to pornography, broken families)

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  8. Stinky Pete says:

    Query

    Is the “hybrid character featuring the head of Marion Cotillard but the nude body of a sad, nameless trollop” done skillfully so that it actually appears to be a nude Marion Cotillard or is it made intentionally comically bad?

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  9. Stinky Pete says:

    Also…

    How can the Dirty Gypsy’s have a home? They’re not f’in gypsy’s if they have a home!!

    Vote -1 Vote +1

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

Current ye@r *