Five Team Names That Are Still Available

Steiger
Rod Steiger would not care to hear about your semester abroad.

Periodically, the editors of NotGraphs compile a brief list of team names that remain unused at any level of baseball, accompanied by some suitable hometowns and likely mascots — with a view, that is, to aiding any clubs (either extant or prospective) in search of same. What follows is such a list.

***

Team Name: Fighting Post-Structuralists*
Possible Locations: Berkeley, CA; The Main Quad of Hampshire College
Mascot: A gender-less, race-less creature to which each member of the crowd will inevitably attach his or her own associations, anyway.

Team Name: Flatizza, Coolatta, McRib Cats
Possible Locations: Middle America
Mascot: The obesity epidemic, personified.

Team Name: Giants of Lobbying Giants
Possible Locations: Washington, DC; Anywhere in Texas, Probably
Mascot: Four of them actually: a cigarette, a hypodermic needle, an oil derrick, and a military drone — all of which compete in a race during the fourth inning of every home game.

Team Name: Marion Cotillard XXX Pics and Video Sox
Possible Locations: Montreal, QC; Quebec City, QC; Other Cities Amenable to French and Sexy Ladies
Mascot: A hybrid character featuring the head of Marion Cotillard but the nude body of a sad, nameless trollop.

Team Name: Uncaring and Emotionally Distant Fathers
Possible Locations: Mid-Century Brooklyn
Mascot: A foam and wire replica of the late Rod Steiger.

*Which name, one notes, is actually rejected by the team itself.




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Carson Cistulli has just published a book of aphorisms called Spirited Ejaculations of a New Enthusiast.


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wunderful
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wunderful
2 years 3 months ago

genuinely amusing:
“A gender-less, race-less creature to which each member of the crowd will inevitably attach his or her own associations, anyway.”

MDL
Member
MDL
2 years 3 months ago

A Hampshire College reference?! NotGraphs, you surprise me once again.

scatterbrian
Member
Member
scatterbrian
2 years 3 months ago

And with that I’m researching a relocation to Canada.

Mike Green
Guest
Mike Green
2 years 3 months ago

The Structuralist pre-game festivities are worth the price of admission. Danish zookeepers feed a giraffe to a lion for the entertainment of the children. Jennifer Lawrence throws out the first pitch while letting loose a rape-scream. The national anthem is, of course, Jimi Hendrix’s version from Woodstock on vinyl.

The post-game sabermetric fair on the field with all-natural juices has to be seen once.

fra paolo
Guest
2 years 3 months ago

The Fighting Post-Structuralists’ mascot suspiciously resembles the Greendale Human Being.

Will
Guest
Will
2 years 3 months ago

Carson, I went to Hampshire, and that is perfect! That said, we already have a good name (for our only sport, Ultimate Frisbee): The Red Scare.

SeattleSlew
Guest
SeattleSlew
2 years 3 months ago

This was depressing. It seems like the writer was going for a dark humor but he points out some of the main problems in American society today. (Confusion of identity, obesity, addiction to pornography, broken families)

Stinky Pete
Member
Stinky Pete
2 years 3 months ago

Query

Is the “hybrid character featuring the head of Marion Cotillard but the nude body of a sad, nameless trollop” done skillfully so that it actually appears to be a nude Marion Cotillard or is it made intentionally comically bad?

Stinky Pete
Member
Stinky Pete
2 years 3 months ago

Also…

How can the Dirty Gypsy’s have a home? They’re not f’in gypsy’s if they have a home!!

E. B. White
Guest
E. B. White
2 years 3 months ago

. . . but they’d still be the Gypsies without the apostrophe.

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