Five Things I Don’t Believe About the 2014 Season

Francona
Terry Francona probably won’t murder anyone this year.

Yesterday, in the electronic pages of FanGraphs, managing editor Dave Cameron published a post entitled Five Things I Believe About the 2014 Season, in which piece he shares five ideas concerning the recently started campaign.

What follows is a similar piece by the present author, except without all the carefully considered arguments and relevant evidence.

1. I don’t believe that the Miami Marlins are actually a team of secret operatives posing as a major-league baseball club, but actually attempting to infiltrate the largest drug cartel on the Eastern seaboard.

I don’t believe it. That said, it has certain merits as a working theory for that club’s difficulties.

2. I don’t believe that Cleveland manager Terry Francona, despite his Italian heritage, will employ dogmatically Machiavelli’s instructions both on acquiring and retaining power — up to and including the murder of Nick Swisher’s father, for example, merely to the end of demonstrating that he’s capable of wanton and senseless cruelty.

I’m just saying, there’s below a 50% chance that this will be the case.

3. I don’t believe that Cleveland pitcher Danny Salazar, by means of his fastball, will provoke a giant and collective mystical experience one day at Progressive Field such as reveals to the thousands in attendance that the Kingdom of God is inside us.

It will be his split-change, instead.

4. I don’t believe that any of us will escape the sad absurdity of death.

Not specifically relevant to the 2014 season, but still something I don’t believe.

5. I don’t believe that there’s an internet website like the present one which allows for an author to produce such trifles as this trifling post.

Nor do I believe there will be one tomorrow.




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Carson Cistulli occasionally publishes spirited ejaculations at The New Enthusiast.


10 Responses to “Five Things I Don’t Believe About the 2014 Season”

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  1. tz says:

    I don’t believe I actually took the time to read this ;)

    +11 Vote -1 Vote +1

  2. Carson Cistulli says:

    April Fools! I do believe that shit.

    +32 Vote -1 Vote +1

  3. Matt says:

    I don’t believe that Cameron actually invited Cistulli to be a house guest.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  4. Mr. Observant says:

    Re: # 3 – Leo Tolstoy is going to summarily kick your slender white arse all across le 14ème arrondissement, sir. be forewarned.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  5. The Return of Rambo Diaz says:

    Of the above, I’d say, regarding #4, that Mike Trout does have at least a chance.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  6. purebull says:

    number four almost sounds like a vaguely specific doomsday prediction. almost.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  7. Mike Green says:

    1. I don’t believe that the Miami Marlins are actually a team of secret operatives posing as a major-league baseball club, but actually attempting to infiltrate the largest drug cartel on the Eastern seaboard.

    The recruitment of Bonifacio del Toro (sic) by the Padres would seal the deal for the Western seabord, but I don’t believe that that is going to happen either. I did believe when I was a young boy that a chain of always-empty sub shop was in fact a front for the smallest drug cartel in North America.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  8. heroin-and-puppies says:

    carson my man, what’s up with the daily notes? I need to know which game is worthy of my viewing this evening…

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  9. TimothyScarbrough says:

    With regards to number 4, while following the Cubs this season, and allowing myself to attach my own personal happiness to whether or not they perform at an acceptable level, I may not bring upon my own physical death as a direct result of the 2014 season, but I will certainly kill my soul completely and totally. So in a way, it was rather relevant to the 2014 season.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  10. KB says:

    April 1 was an incredibly productive day at Notgraphs.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

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