Behold, the wild nerd!
Legend tells that back in the heady, wild days of The Internet, there once existed a blog so full of wit, snark, and sabermetric wisdom, mainstream sports writers quaked in their slippers at its very mention. Run by the titans Ken Tremendous, Dak, and Junior, this website – FireJoeMorgan.com – was a shining beacon of hope for all the saber-geeks hiding away in their parents’ basements. One day, their day would come! One day, sabermetrics would be accepted! One day, sportswriters would stop writing crap! And until that day came, at least our laughs could hide our tears.
Although Fire Joe Morgan has since passed into the realms of memory, its legacy lives on everywhere sports fans mix humor, advanced stats, and copious amounts of snark. As NotGraphs is an alternative baseball blog that likes to dabble in all three of these areas, it’s only fitting that we pay homage to The Greats that have come before us. And so, I am proud to announce that NotGraphs is officially reintroducing the famed “Food Metaphors” post tag.
Yes, that’s right – food metaphors, the one thing Ken, Dak, and Junior say they miss the most from Fire Joe Morgan. Sportswriters have many funny habits, but one of the weirdest is their odd obsession with food metaphors. “He threw the high cheese right by him.” “He really put some mustard on that pitch.” These metaphors pepper our discussions about baseball, and certain baseball writers are drawn to them like cherry pie.
So the next time you see a baseball article where the author sprinkled in food metaphors, shoot us a Tweet or an email. While we won’t be able to go FJM all up on their arses, we’ll still have fun relishing in the author’s purple-icious prose.
And for old time’s sake, here are a few classic food metaphors highlights from FJM. First, a quote from Buck Martinez:
Jonathan Papelbon, not wasting any time, going to his bread and butter there, and that’s the cheese.
Second, some pure gold from Larry Dobrow, with commentary by Junior:
Finally, some consummation in the Johan Santana derby. My God, it’s like finally being allowed to eat after staring at the cold-cuts spread for 11 hours.
Sex metaphor, other sport metaphor, food metaphor!
I was bullish on the Mets’ chances before they grabbed Johan for 55 cents on the dollar. Now, I’m double-bullish, with butterscotch and a cherry on top.
Animal/financial metaphor, straight financial metaphor, weird metaphor, food metaphor! How about some intangible buzzwords?
And third, a coup de grace from Dak on the news that Jason Bartlett was elected MVP of the 2008 Rays:
I just want to announce here on this blog, that if any baseball analyst of any kind tells me that “you really have to watch Jason Bartlett play every day to understand how much he means to this team,” and that same analyst is found drowned at the bottom of my hot tub the next morning, and I am found standing upon that corpse, in the hot tub, wearing my trunks and a hoodie and just relaxing and smoking a joint, and maybe ordering a pizza or something, and instructing the delivery guy to come in through the gate because I’m in the back standing on a body in my hot tub — if all of that happens, I would really appreciate if someone could meet me outside, by my hot tub, and float me a few dollars for the pizza, because I will be in no mood to get off of that corpse, or get out of the hot tub for that matter, and plus I will probably have forgotten to bring some money out to the hot tub with me.
Thanks guys. You’re the best.
No, thank you, Fire Joe Morgan. Thank you.