For the Enjoyment of Schmidt

Hi there.

Did you know that you are pleasureable to Mike Schmidt? You are. He really finds you very silly, in all the best ways. The very sight of you brings him joy.

Oooo-hooo-hooo-hoo-hoo! ;)

To Mike Schmidt, you are a rainbow capybara with dolphin friends, singing kind songs in a summer rain. When you talk to Mike Schmidt, he feels your voice pour over him like a refreshing waterfall in a world without war or violent crime — a world that smells like clean laundry, where you smell like organic cilantro, where that cilantro is tickling the corners of his nose, too, forever.

Yes, Mike Schmidt just likes to look at you, to see you smile; he loves to see you flourish. He hopes that you are doing well, and that you will continue to amuse him for as long as you both shall live, which Mike Schmidt wishes would be forever and ever, because he just cannot get enough of you.

Mike Schmidt thanks you for being you.

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Soundtrack to go with Mr Schmidt and his dancing facial hair:


The thought that I would reek of cilantro will give me nightmares for a week. Schmidt would not approve.