Former Prospect Gets Sexually Released

Train Tunnel

Jupiter — In camp on a minor-league deal , second baseman Austin Staufmore was told he wouldn’t be making the Marlins infield and went to The Velvet Glove (a local gentleman’s club). There, he asked for and received his sexual release.

Staufmore has struggled to make it back to the Majors after flopping out with the Pirates in 2009. While once lauded as the next big thing, Staufmore struggled because he only had one useful tool, and even that wasn’t all that impressive to begin with. Still, the minor league veteran plans to keep banging away at it, hoping that the club will have an opening for him sooner or later.

“Look,” he told reporters who crowded around the stage with the former prospect, “I know I’m not the biggest guy out there on the field. I know I won’t last long in this league. But I know if I just get one more chance to prove that I can use the old stick, and roll two with the best of them, I could impress a lot of people.”

Scouts, however, disagree. They note a lack of energy from the 27 year old. “He just kind of looks droopy out there,” said one team official. “And a lot of these younger guys just want to play every day. Staufmore poops out after a couple of swings, and then needs a pretty long rest before he looks like his old self again. I just wouldn’t want a guy on my team I couldn’t count on to come through for us when we need him.”

“Whatever,” said Staufmore. “I haven’t heard any complaints so far. Now, excuse me fellas. Kandi and I will be back shortly.” After four minutes and what sounded like sobbing, the young woman reemerged looking disappointed and told us Staufmore had slipped out the back and had stiffed her on the tip.

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Mike Bates used to have a stupid pseudonym. Now he doesn't because people want to pay him to write about baseball on the Internet and he's really a sell out that way. He is also a Designated Columnist at SBNation, co-founder of The Platoon Advantage, and is an American Carpetbagger on Getting Blanked, the finest in Canadian baseball-type sites. His favorite word is paradigm. Follow him on Twitter here:

8 Responses to “Former Prospect Gets Sexually Released”

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  1. eddiegaedel says:


    Vote -1 Vote +1

  2. FeslenR says:

    what the…..and hah!

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  3. Paul says:

    I see that train is suffering from premature ejaculation. How sad.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  4. tz says:

    Probably suffering from Low-TeeFX…

    +12 Vote -1 Vote +1

  5. novaether says:

    Sounds like all he can do now is stroke it to the gap.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  6. Insight says:

    Ohhhhh, I get it. This is an article full of euphemisms for sexual release! Very clever!

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  7. YABooble says:

    This is what happens when you don’t seek immediate medical attention after a game lasting more than four hours.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  8. Damaso's Burnt Shirt says:

    Just the tip… right?

    Vote -1 Vote +1

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