Found: Player Who Did Not Play in the 19th Century

Internet Hot Link Baseball-Reference.com confirms the existence of this player of baseball

Man Born Out of Time

Thaddeus Philyaw played baseball, but he did not do so in the 19th century. Despite a name that, in Ohio Valley Protestantese, translates as “He Who Vacantly Surveys That Which the Colonel Has Raped,” Thaddeus Philyaw was not born in the 19th century. In point of fact, he played baseball in the 1970s, when we danced until the herpes overtook us …

Lo, Thaddeus Philyaw played baseball! That much is not surprising. What is surprising is that he did not play baseball in the moments before and after beating back an Indian raid in Lincoln County, Kansas.

What is surprising is that he did not play baseball in the moments before and after conceiving an heir on the hide of a coyote (read: “KAI-yoat”).

What is surprising is that he did not die of consumption while rounding third.




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Handsome Dayn Perry can be found making love to the reader at CBSSports.com's Eye on Baseball. He is available for all your Twitter needs.


4 Responses to “Found: Player Who Did Not Play in the 19th Century”

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  1. harperhill says:

    That’s a typical yokel name of those south Palo Alto hillbillies. It’s Joad-land down there for sure.

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  2. gnomez says:

    “Ohio Valley Protestantese”
    I’m not familiar with this, but among Evansville, Cincinnati, Wheeling, and Pittsburgh, I’m quite well-versed in “Ohio Valley Catholicish.”

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    • Byrne says:

      nope Dayn was correct. Many more Protestants in the ORV than Catholics. Tons of German Lutherans and people you’d probably think were Amish if you hadn’t seen them in mobile transport. These people account for roughly 99% of the Reds and Cardinals hilljack fanbases.

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  3. deadhead says:

    Thaddeus Philyaw once made love to a mountain lion(as a bottom) while wearing a coat made of foie gras. He was voted most likely to be finger banged by an orangutan. He shat out two kilos of blow he smuggled into the country, on the oval office’s rug, to protest Texas’ sodomy laws. He was not NAMBLA’s president as has been reported. Rather he was Vice-President of NAMBLA. He is a patriot of he highest order and deserves enshrinement in Cooperstown!

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