Frequently Asked Questions About Streaming Local Broadcasts

Major League Baseball Advanced Media CEO Bob Bowman told the Associated Press this week that some baseball fans may be able to stream local broadcasts to their desktops and mobile devices by as early as next season. LINK.

Q: Who?

A: Not you.

Q: Why not?

A: We don’t like you.

Q: But I’m a fan!

A: Not enough of a fan.

Q: What do you mean?

A: Real fans subscribe to cable.

Q: What does my subscription to an antiquated way to receive programming have to do with my love of America’s pastime?

A: It just does.

Q: So you’re saying I need to be a cable TV subscriber to stream these games?

A: Yes.

Q: But if I had cable, I could watch them already anyway.

A: Yes.

Q: So now people with cable…

A: Can turn off their TV and watch the game instead on their phone.

Q: Oh. Okay. And this will be done how exactly?

A: Maybe an app. Or magic. The app department and the magic department are both looking into it, and the first to come up with an answer will win.

Q: Do you mean an app like many cable networks have now, that requires you to enter a user name and password to verify your local cable service?

A: Sure, maybe, because those are airtight ways to restrict access.

Q: Suppose my friend has cable, and, like most people who still have cable, uses “password” as his account password, thus allowing me to log in pretending to be him?

A: Baseball fans shouldn’t pretend.

Q: Can you explain the current blackout policy in 50 words or less?

A: ….

Q: Can you explain how any system that restricts access through some sort of technological mechanism, password entry, or, really, pretty much anything except for a piece of hardware required for the service or physical object that is the content itself can possibly expect to stay ahead of the people who wish to gain access?

A: ….

Q: Remind me again what defines a real baseball fan?

A: Someone with a cable television subscription.

Q: And what would define a real fan of cable television?

A: Someone who has season tickets to their local baseball team.

Q: Gotcha, thanks.

A: That wasn’t a question.

Q: Sorry.




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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.


8 Responses to “Frequently Asked Questions About Streaming Local Broadcasts”

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  1. @OSITF_blog says:

    FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE DEATH OF NOTGRAPHS

    Q: Who?

    A: Everyone

    Q: Why?

    A: Cistulli is the worst.

    Q: But I’m a fan of NotGraphs!

    A: Cistulli doesn’t care.

    Q: What do you mean?

    A: Cistulli really is the worst.

    Q: What does a horrible person like Cistulli have to do with my love of the best satire website about America’s pastime?

    A: It just does.

    Q: So you’re saying Cistulli needs to be usurped at overlord of NotGraphs?

    A: Yes.

    Q: But if I had the ability to do that, I would have done that already anyway.

    A: Yes.

    Q: So now people who visit FanGraphs…

    A: Can just visit FanGraphs and not visit NotGraphs.

    Q: Oh. Okay. And this will be done how exactly?

    A: Maybe a server reset. Or magic. Cistulli and the magic department are both looking into it, and the first to come up with an answer will win.

    Q: Do you mean NotGraphs will restrict access to website that people demand, much like MLB restricts access to broadcasts that people demand?

    A: Sure, maybe, because dinosaurs like Bud Selig and Cistulli enjoy restricting access.

    Q: Suppose I subscribe to FanGraphs+, will I be able to read NotGraphs then?

    A: Only if you pretend.

    Q: Can you explain the rationale for ending NotGraphs?

    A: ….

    Q: Can you explain how any website that restricts access to content that is very much in demand can possibly expect to stay ahead of other competing websites that might offer similar content?

    A: ….

    Q: Remind me again what defines a real FanGraphs website fan?

    A: Someone who doesn’t care that NotGraphs is ending.

    Q: And what would define someone who doesn’t care that NotGraphs is ending?

    A: Someone like Cistulli, who is the worst.

    Q: Gotcha, Cistulli is the worst, thanks.

    A: That wasn’t a question.

    Q: Sorry. #KeepNotGraphs

    +73 Vote -1 Vote +1

  2. cord cutter says:

    UGH, thank you for this. When I initially saw the headline I was ecstatic! Then I realized no, I will need to have cable. I WOULD LIKE TO GIVE MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL MONEY SO THAT I MAY SEE MY TEAM PLAY ON TV. Not really a fan of the fact that to do so, I have to give money to someone else as well.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

    • #keepnotgraphs says:

      If only there were a plethora cheap services available to route ones internet traffic through, for instance, Europe where there are no blackout restrictions. If such services were available then suddenly MLB would find it very difficult to enforce its blackout policy.

      Vote -1 Vote +1

  3. Westside guy says:

    MLB At Bat 7.0.2 and below only checks your GPS location when determining eligibility to view a game through the app. Versions 7.1.0 and above do some additional voodoo.

    So if you still occasionally sync your iDevice with your computer rather than just relying on the cloud, and if you regularly back up your computer as everyone really should, it would be possible to roll back to an older version of MLB At Bat – if, for example, you thought that older version ran better or something along those lines.

    I’m not mentioning that for any particular reason. It just randomly popped into my head.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

    • lewish says:

      wowa?woah?…whatever, could you slow down your random thought a little, and maybe sound it out little, for us old timers that wish to learn but are just #f%*!ing slow…please!…and yeah notgraphs is classic, are you really not keeping it really.

      Vote -1 Vote +1