From NutGraphs to KnotGraphs: A Look at Potential Sponsors

Web_Corporate Sponsorship(2)

Loyal reader Kris, in efforts to spare this blog from the Lethal Guillotine Of Fatal Death, has argued on these very electrified pages that NotGraphs should say yes — heck yes! — to a corporate sponsor, sort of a “Hallmark Presents Valerie Bertinelli in I Just Made a Movie For Hallmark: A Movie For Hallmark, Starring Valerie Bertinelli” type of thing, but with less Bertinelli. Well, OK.

But here’s the question: If NotGraphs were to accept a sponsor, what would that sponsor be? Before you answer, “ExtenZe Natural Male Enhancement,” please note that we here at NotGraphs prefer unnatural male enhancement, e.g., slamming our genitals on frozen polyester until serious swelling occurs.

In any event, let us begin by suggesting new names for née NotGraphs and then working backward, logically if not profoundly, to possible backers.

NutGraphs: Given our tendency to slam the aforementioned privates on the aforementioned polymers, it makes sense that the American Urological Association might penetrate the lucrative realm of stick-and-ball humor by entering an intimate corporate coupling. Pro: a longer-lasting supply of double-entendre comedy. Con: the Association might not want to cuddle.

NetGraphs: As you know, we NotGraphers like to plot on graphs the historical development of fishing nets, including cast nets, dragnets, drift nets, lift nets and fyke nets. (We rejected the tangle net after Boinknets Harper lost a penis in that unfortunate “netting” accident.) And so a sponsorship deal with the North American Fishing Club seems natural. Pro: a deeper supply of double-entendre prose – “we are hooked!”; “we are reeling!”; “my worm looks bigger since I started slamming it on frozen polyester, and so does my penis!” – for the weekly NotGraphs newsletter. Con: the probable loss of Cowsual Fridays, sponsored by Hormel Foods.

NyetGraphs: Here at NotGraphs, we like to say “Bolshevik Revolution.” The reason we like to say “Bolshevik Revolution” is that “Bolshevik Revolution” just sounds so cool. Say it: “Bolshevik Revolution.” Cool, da? The thing is, we don’t know what “Bolshevik Revolution” actually means. Some of us think it’s a Russian rotisserie chicken, while others think it’s a Russian rotisserie duck. So it seems reasonable that the Russian government would agree to a sponsorship deal that emphasizes the role of the state in process-of-elimination education. Pro: a solid supply of double-entendre “Putin” humor. Con: we will fall, in the end, to the process of elimination.

KnitGraphs: It’s true: We like to knit. Most NotGraphers specialize in ornamental doilies, while I favor personalized penis warmers. So it makes sense that Creative Knitting magazine (formerly Knitting Digest) would agree to a sponsorship role. Pro: the ability to call ourselves a “close-knit community, ha ha!” Con: the notorious and shiv-inducing jealousy among staff members of Crochet World, The Magazine For Crochet Lovers.

KnotGraphs: It’s also true: One NotGrapher – I won’t say who, but I will say when (4 p.m. to 7 p.m. weekdays) – can tie a knot in a cherry stem with his tongue. Wouldn’t it be interesting, then, to see a blog devoted to this interesting and often erotic practice? And I know just the right sponsor. Pro: weekday happy hours with fascinating people. Con: readers might at first believe that Ashley Madison is a maker of prepackaged snack cakes.

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John, who has also written under the pseudonym "Azure Texan," writes for both The Hardball Times and NotGraphs.

44 Responses to “From NutGraphs to KnotGraphs: A Look at Potential Sponsors”

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  1. Johan Santa says:

    Are we SURE there has to be less Valerie Bertinelli?

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  2. dang says:

    Mark McGraphs

    Sugar ray midis on every page

    +11 Vote -1 Vote +1

  3. Well-Beered Englishman says:

    Knott’s Berry Farm Graphs

    Vote -1 Vote +1

    • John Paschal says:

      I can’t quite put my finger on it, but that sounds familiar.

      Vote -1 Vote +1

      • Kris says:

        Nautical Graphs: Sponsored by Hemmingway’s estate

        Pros: Weekly feature, “The Old Man And The Sea …Men,” based on the life of Cistulli. Each article ends with, “It’s only hate-speech if it’s true.”

        Cons: It’s only a weekly feature.

        Notability Graphs: Sponsored by the Screen Actors Guild

        Pros: completely ignore carson cistulli
        Cons: completely ignore carson cistulli

        Vote -1 Vote +1

  4. Jaack says:

    Get the support of some anti-veal group, and call it Not-calfs.

    Preemptive strike on the Grammar Nazis: THe spelling is intentional.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  5. John Elway says:


    I’ve made some hay back in the day. I’d be honored to be the sponsor.

    +21 Vote -1 Vote +1

  6. Harperhill says:

    I Can’t Believe it’s Not Graphs!

    Fabio’s not busy these days, is he?

    +7 Vote -1 Vote +1

  7. MDBuc says:


    Any one of the many antihistamine pharmaceutical makers. Pros: booger jokes Cons: booger jokes.

    +5 Vote -1 Vote +1

  8. Hrkac Circus says:

    Only two scheduled posts left Paschal…

    +6 Vote -1 Vote +1

    • John Paschal says:

      No question!

      I’m feeling better now that I’m on Dr. Funkenlifter’s Good-Time Happy Pills.

      Also, the cliff from which I jumped turned out to be a curb.

      Vote -1 Vote +1

  9. Kalopsia says:

    GnatGraphs. Pros: very hard to get rid of, often grabs attention from the corner of your eye. Cons: A nearly Cistulli-like level of constant and mildly irritating buzzing

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  10. FH says:

    Needs more NaughtyGraphs

    Vote -1 Vote +1

    • MikeS says:

      Pros: Drastically increased traffic.

      Cons: All the good parts will require a paid subscription. May not be accessible from your workplace.

      +10 Vote -1 Vote +1

  11. Deelron says:

    Famgraphs – Families rotate in sponsorship, requiring the user to watch a brief vacation video.

    Pharmgraphs – I hear drug companies have lots of money and are running out of commercial TV time to buy.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  12. John Paschal says:

    Strong work, dudes and/or dudettes. As they say at McDonald’s, I am really likin’ it!

    Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to start NapGraphs.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  13. Carson Cistullli says:

    NaughtGraphs. Representing your efforts to stop the inevitable.

    +12 Vote -1 Vote +1

  14. IMW says:

    Don Knotts Graphs?

    Pros: Three’s Company related jokes
    Cons: Andy Griffith related jokes

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  15. Anonymous says:

    “We rejected the tangle net after Boinknets Harper lost a penis in that unfortunate “netting” accident.”

    The implication being that he had one, or perhaps several, to spare. I experienced such pleasure from this humorous imagery that I seem to be experiencing some unnatural male enhancement

    Vote -1 Vote +1

    • John Paschal says:

      Ha! I’m glad somebody noticed that. Truth be told, it was intentionally intentional and also on purpose. We hear all the time about someone “losing a finger” or “losing a nostril,” so why can’t someone lose a penis? Plus, you gotta figure that anyone named Boinknets Harper might have more than one.

      Anyhoo, use that male enhancement wisely! Glad I could help.

      Vote -1 Vote +1

  16. Urban Shocker says:

    NFLGraphs, the real winners of the purge.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  17. cass says:


    The Lerners are filthy rich and could easily fund the site from just one of their piggy banks.

    What are the pros? That’s a clown question, bro. The Nats/Expos are practically one giant, decades-long joke themselves. The opportunity for humor is a ripe, swelling fruit, just waiting to be bit into, producing very messy, but satisfying, results.

    What are the cons? All the jokes have already been told. You’ll be reduced to making jokes about Jayson Werth’s beard by the third week and soon #KillNatsGraphs will be trending on twitter. Worst of all, Cistulli will smirk at your failure.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

    • John Paschal says:

      Oy. I’ve told a pair of Jayson Werth beard jokes this week already. (Both were awesome, but that’s beside the point.) Also: Cistulli’s smirks are the worst, mostly because he wears an ascot and a monocle.

      Vote -1 Vote +1

  18. DerekJeterGiftBasket says:

    SlipknotGraphs – all we wanna do is drag you down, all we wanna do is stamp you out.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  19. Resolution says:

    What about just killing Notgraphs and then syndicating it? Like every so often someone can just come and drag a post from the history and pop it on the front page like it’s new and interesting?

    Wanna see that post from years ago comparing Juan Pierre to Avon Barksdale? Sure! Some baseball player surrounded by some shit that has the same name? Check back tomorrow! A cake of some baseball team’s logo? Slow down buddy!


    +9 Vote -1 Vote +1

    • John Paschal says:

      If we syndicate NotGraphs, we could get Ted McGinley to play David G. Temple.

      What could go wrong?

      Vote -1 Vote +1

  20. Twm says:

    OughtGraphs, sponsored by the Association for Practical and Professional Ethics. Pros: ceaseless inquiry into the nature and adequacy of our normative assumptions. Cons: theatrical fist pounding, florid rhetoric, insipid discourse.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  21. Ed says:

    SteffiGraphs. Guest posts by Andre Agassi

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  22. tz says:

    NitGraphs, detailing every typo, gramattical mistake, and slightly misstated fact that shows up elsewhere on the site.

    Sponsored by this guy:

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  23. Thanks, Comcast says:

    In Soviet Russia, #NyetGraphsKeepYou!

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  24. yaboynate says:

    Why stop at NotGraphs? Why not acquire sponsorship for the mothersite?

    FangGraphs: Once a week, feature an obligatory vampire expose. Sponsor: Twilight.
    FredMcGraphs: Open a new section of the site totally devoted to baseball fundamentals. Sponsor: Tom Emanski.

    Vote -1 Vote +1