From NutGraphs to KnotGraphs: A Look at Potential Sponsors

Web_Corporate Sponsorship(2)

Loyal reader Kris, in efforts to spare this blog from the Lethal Guillotine Of Fatal Death, has argued on these very electrified pages that NotGraphs should say yes — heck yes! — to a corporate sponsor, sort of a “Hallmark Presents Valerie Bertinelli in I Just Made a Movie For Hallmark: A Movie For Hallmark, Starring Valerie Bertinelli” type of thing, but with less Bertinelli. Well, OK.

But here’s the question: If NotGraphs were to accept a sponsor, what would that sponsor be? Before you answer, “ExtenZe Natural Male Enhancement,” please note that we here at NotGraphs prefer unnatural male enhancement, e.g., slamming our genitals on frozen polyester until serious swelling occurs.

In any event, let us begin by suggesting new names for née NotGraphs and then working backward, logically if not profoundly, to possible backers.

NutGraphs: Given our tendency to slam the aforementioned privates on the aforementioned polymers, it makes sense that the American Urological Association might penetrate the lucrative realm of stick-and-ball humor by entering an intimate corporate coupling. Pro: a longer-lasting supply of double-entendre comedy. Con: the Association might not want to cuddle.

NetGraphs: As you know, we NotGraphers like to plot on graphs the historical development of fishing nets, including cast nets, dragnets, drift nets, lift nets and fyke nets. (We rejected the tangle net after Boinknets Harper lost a penis in that unfortunate “netting” accident.) And so a sponsorship deal with the North American Fishing Club seems natural. Pro: a deeper supply of double-entendre prose – “we are hooked!”; “we are reeling!”; “my worm looks bigger since I started slamming it on frozen polyester, and so does my penis!” – for the weekly NotGraphs newsletter. Con: the probable loss of Cowsual Fridays, sponsored by Hormel Foods.

NyetGraphs: Here at NotGraphs, we like to say “Bolshevik Revolution.” The reason we like to say “Bolshevik Revolution” is that “Bolshevik Revolution” just sounds so cool. Say it: “Bolshevik Revolution.” Cool, da? The thing is, we don’t know what “Bolshevik Revolution” actually means. Some of us think it’s a Russian rotisserie chicken, while others think it’s a Russian rotisserie duck. So it seems reasonable that the Russian government would agree to a sponsorship deal that emphasizes the role of the state in process-of-elimination education. Pro: a solid supply of double-entendre “Putin” humor. Con: we will fall, in the end, to the process of elimination.

KnitGraphs: It’s true: We like to knit. Most NotGraphers specialize in ornamental doilies, while I favor personalized penis warmers. So it makes sense that Creative Knitting magazine (formerly Knitting Digest) would agree to a sponsorship role. Pro: the ability to call ourselves a “close-knit community, ha ha!” Con: the notorious and shiv-inducing jealousy among staff members of Crochet World, The Magazine For Crochet Lovers.

KnotGraphs: It’s also true: One NotGrapher – I won’t say who, but I will say when (4 p.m. to 7 p.m. weekdays) – can tie a knot in a cherry stem with his tongue. Wouldn’t it be interesting, then, to see a blog devoted to this interesting and often erotic practice? And I know just the right sponsor. Pro: weekday happy hours with fascinating people. Con: readers might at first believe that Ashley Madison is a maker of prepackaged snack cakes.




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John, who has also written under the pseudonym "Azure Texan," writes for both The Hardball Times and NotGraphs.


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Johan Santa
Guest
Johan Santa
2 years 1 month ago

Are we SURE there has to be less Valerie Bertinelli?

dang
Guest
dang
2 years 1 month ago

Mark McGraphs

Sugar ray midis on every page

Well-Beered Englishman
Guest
Well-Beered Englishman
2 years 1 month ago

Knott’s Berry Farm Graphs

Jaack
Guest
Jaack
2 years 1 month ago

Get the support of some anti-veal group, and call it Not-calfs.

Preemptive strike on the Grammar Nazis: THe spelling is intentional.

George Michael Bluth
Guest
George Michael Bluth
2 years 1 month ago

She calls it a mayonegg

Kris
Guest
Kris
2 years 1 month ago

Fucking amazing. I want to give you all of the [+] arrows I’ve ever given. But I only recently started giving them, and I can’t remember if they existed four years ago.

jcxy
Guest
jcxy
2 years 1 month ago

Gob was also anti-veal for a while, if I recall.

John Elway
Member
2 years 1 month ago

NeighGraphs

I’ve made some hay back in the day. I’d be honored to be the sponsor.

Joe Montana
Guest
Joe Montana
2 years 1 month ago

I can outbid you, you neighing horse!

Harperhill
Guest
Harperhill
2 years 1 month ago

I Can’t Believe it’s Not Graphs!

Fabio’s not busy these days, is he?

MDBuc
Guest
MDBuc
2 years 1 month ago

SnotGraphs

Any one of the many antihistamine pharmaceutical makers. Pros: booger jokes Cons: booger jokes.

MDBuc
Guest
MDBuc
2 years 1 month ago

You’d have to pick your jokes carefully.

Hrkac Circus
Guest
Hrkac Circus
2 years 1 month ago

Only two scheduled posts left Paschal…
#KeepNotGraphs?

Kalopsia
Guest
Kalopsia
2 years 1 month ago

GnatGraphs. Pros: very hard to get rid of, often grabs attention from the corner of your eye. Cons: A nearly Cistulli-like level of constant and mildly irritating buzzing

FH
Guest
FH
2 years 1 month ago

Needs more NaughtyGraphs

MikeS
Guest
MikeS
2 years 1 month ago

Pros: Drastically increased traffic.

Cons: All the good parts will require a paid subscription. May not be accessible from your workplace.

Deelron
Member
Deelron
2 years 1 month ago

Famgraphs – Families rotate in sponsorship, requiring the user to watch a brief vacation video.

Pharmgraphs – I hear drug companies have lots of money and are running out of commercial TV time to buy.

Carson Cistullli
Guest
Carson Cistullli
2 years 1 month ago

NaughtGraphs. Representing your efforts to stop the inevitable.

IMW
Guest
IMW
2 years 1 month ago

Don Knotts Graphs?

Pros: Three’s Company related jokes
Cons: Andy Griffith related jokes

Anonymous
Guest
Anonymous
2 years 1 month ago

“We rejected the tangle net after Boinknets Harper lost a penis in that unfortunate “netting” accident.”

The implication being that he had one, or perhaps several, to spare. I experienced such pleasure from this humorous imagery that I seem to be experiencing some unnatural male enhancement

Urban Shocker
Guest
Urban Shocker
2 years 1 month ago

NFLGraphs, the real winners of the purge.

cass
Guest
cass
2 years 1 month ago

NatsGraphs

The Lerners are filthy rich and could easily fund the site from just one of their piggy banks.

What are the pros? That’s a clown question, bro. The Nats/Expos are practically one giant, decades-long joke themselves. The opportunity for humor is a ripe, swelling fruit, just waiting to be bit into, producing very messy, but satisfying, results.

What are the cons? All the jokes have already been told. You’ll be reduced to making jokes about Jayson Werth’s beard by the third week and soon #KillNatsGraphs will be trending on twitter. Worst of all, Cistulli will smirk at your failure.

DerekJeterGiftBasket
Guest
DerekJeterGiftBasket
2 years 1 month ago

SlipknotGraphs – all we wanna do is drag you down, all we wanna do is stamp you out.

Resolution
Guest
Resolution
2 years 1 month ago

What about just killing Notgraphs and then syndicating it? Like every so often someone can just come and drag a post from the history and pop it on the front page like it’s new and interesting?

Wanna see that post from years ago comparing Juan Pierre to Avon Barksdale? Sure! Some baseball player surrounded by some shit that has the same name? Check back tomorrow! A cake of some baseball team’s logo? Slow down buddy!

#SyndicateNotGraphs

Twm
Guest
Twm
2 years 1 month ago

OughtGraphs, sponsored by the Association for Practical and Professional Ethics. Pros: ceaseless inquiry into the nature and adequacy of our normative assumptions. Cons: theatrical fist pounding, florid rhetoric, insipid discourse.

Ed
Guest
Ed
2 years 1 month ago

SteffiGraphs. Guest posts by Andre Agassi

IMW
Guest
IMW
2 years 1 month ago

I think this one’s my favourite.

tz
Guest
tz
2 years 1 month ago

NitGraphs, detailing every typo, gramattical mistake, and slightly misstated fact that shows up elsewhere on the site.

Sponsored by this guy:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Gv0H-vPoDc

tz
Guest
tz
2 years 1 month ago

*grammatical

Thanks, Comcast
Guest
Thanks, Comcast
2 years 1 month ago

In Soviet Russia, #NyetGraphsKeepYou!

yaboynate
Member
yaboynate
2 years 1 month ago

Why stop at NotGraphs? Why not acquire sponsorship for the mothersite?

FangGraphs: Once a week, feature an obligatory vampire expose. Sponsor: Twilight.
FredMcGraphs: Open a new section of the site totally devoted to baseball fundamentals. Sponsor: Tom Emanski.

Crime Dog
Guest
Crime Dog
2 years 27 days ago

This is the instructional site, that gets results

wpDiscuz