From Vance Law, With Love

Dear Internet Users,

I am not Vance Law the former Major League Baseball player, but I am a fictional persona who will be evoking Vance Law as I write (what I hope will be regular) Internet letters to you here on this little strand of the World Wide Web. Without further ado, here is a letter I have written to you!

I am noticing lately that I am a meticulous person. When I wipe the spots from my spectacles, it must be with a clean towel, for if the towel is dirty, I will surely dirty my spectacles with more than just the finger-smudges and water-spots that are already upon them. Only after wiping the spectacles do I allow myself to use the same towel on my sweaty brow &c. Then, it’s off to the laundry bin with the towel. My meticulousness accumulates quite a lot of towels to be laundered!

Though, as I seek to cultivate peculiarities and grow in complexity, I wonder if I might attempt a different method of towel usage: drying my brow first in order to have a clearer vision for wiping my spectacles — yet being sure to preserve a corner of the towel for the spectacles. Above all, I believe spectacles must be cleaned with an unsullied portion of fabric; but of almost equal importance is to meet the task of spectacle cleaning with an unsullied mental focus — and unobstructed sight.

To this point in my life, I have abided and enacted only the former rubric of towel usage. Now, having reconsidered this issue in my first letter to you, I see clearly the advantages of the latter method, and I believe I shall try it. That’s right, dear Internet Users: do not think that I am such a rigid man that I would refuse to revise my habits even based on sound reasoning. Just because my name is Law does not mean I do not bend! I am an astute editor of personality!

But what a strange first impression I must be giving you. What a way to solicit your future audience! I hope that the mundanity of the above reflections does not lead you to believe I am a poor or thoughtless lover. I am a sensual man with a clean face, and I intend to make unique, detailed love to each of you in due time.

With love,

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4 Responses to “From Vance Law, With Love”

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  1. Hitler But Sadder says:

    You have inspired me to start a collection of irrelevant autographs from baseball players– thanks for sealing my fate as a lifelong virgin.

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  2. js2 says:

    Don’t forget to bring a towel

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  3. The Return of Rambo Diaz says:

    Hi Vance,

    I remember when I was a kid back in ’88 and I got that new pack of Topps with your Expos card in there. From the back I learned you came up as a Pirate and I thought that was neat. Then, I got that Future Stars card with your photo on it that also had Tony Pena and Pascual Perez. I also thought that was neat. And now, I find out about your need to use clean towels. Also, neat.

    Thanks for being neat.


    P.S. Saw you on the ’82 Topps Future Stars as well, with Bob Long. Man, what happened to that guy?

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  4. The Long arm of the Law says:

    Filthy straight change.

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