From Vance Law, With Love

Dear Internet Users,

I am not Vance Law the former Major League Baseball player, but I am a fictional persona who will be evoking Vance Law as I write (what I hope will be regular) Internet letters to you here on this little strand of the World Wide Web. Without further ado, here is a letter I have written to you!

I am noticing lately that I am a meticulous person. When I wipe the spots from my spectacles, it must be with a clean towel, for if the towel is dirty, I will surely dirty my spectacles with more than just the finger-smudges and water-spots that are already upon them. Only after wiping the spectacles do I allow myself to use the same towel on my sweaty brow &c. Then, it’s off to the laundry bin with the towel. My meticulousness accumulates quite a lot of towels to be laundered!

Though, as I seek to cultivate peculiarities and grow in complexity, I wonder if I might attempt a different method of towel usage: drying my brow first in order to have a clearer vision for wiping my spectacles — yet being sure to preserve a corner of the towel for the spectacles. Above all, I believe spectacles must be cleaned with an unsullied portion of fabric; but of almost equal importance is to meet the task of spectacle cleaning with an unsullied mental focus — and unobstructed sight.

To this point in my life, I have abided and enacted only the former rubric of towel usage. Now, having reconsidered this issue in my first letter to you, I see clearly the advantages of the latter method, and I believe I shall try it. That’s right, dear Internet Users: do not think that I am such a rigid man that I would refuse to revise my habits even based on sound reasoning. Just because my name is Law does not mean I do not bend! I am an astute editor of personality!

But what a strange first impression I must be giving you. What a way to solicit your future audience! I hope that the mundanity of the above reflections does not lead you to believe I am a poor or thoughtless lover. I am a sensual man with a clean face, and I intend to make unique, detailed love to each of you in due time.

With love,




Print This Post

Hire Robert J. Baumann to live-blog your next birthday party, family reunion, or corporate event. You will not want to forget it soon.

4 Responses to “From Vance Law, With Love”

You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.
  1. Hitler But Sadder says:

    You have inspired me to start a collection of irrelevant autographs from baseball players– thanks for sealing my fate as a lifelong virgin.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  2. js2 says:

    Don’t forget to bring a towel

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  3. The Return of Rambo Diaz says:

    Hi Vance,

    I remember when I was a kid back in ’88 and I got that new pack of Topps with your Expos card in there. From the back I learned you came up as a Pirate and I thought that was neat. Then, I got that Future Stars card with your photo on it that also had Tony Pena and Pascual Perez. I also thought that was neat. And now, I find out about your need to use clean towels. Also, neat.

    Thanks for being neat.

    -R.D.

    P.S. Saw you on the ’82 Topps Future Stars as well, with Bob Long. Man, what happened to that guy?

    +9 Vote -1 Vote +1

  4. The Long arm of the Law says:

    Filthy straight change.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

Current day month ye@r *