Future All-Star Game Highlights

2014. Yasiel Puig (LAD) hits a home run off Taijuan Walker (SEA) in the 9th inning to win it for the National League.

2015. Mike Zunino (SEA) smacks a ground-rule double in the 7th inning off Zach Wheeler (NYM), driving in Eric Hosmer (NYY) with the game-winning RBI for the American League.

2016. Red Sox player-manager David Ortiz (BOS) hits an 11th inning grand slam, driving in Manny Ramirez (TEX), Alex Rodriguez (CHW), and Jose Reyes (MEX) and giving the American League its 2nd consecutive victory.

2017. Jeff Francoeur (SF) walks with the bases loaded to force in the winning run off Aaron Sanchez (TOR) and lead the National League to victory.

2018. Byron Buxton (MIN) hits two home runs– the first off Gio Gonzalez (WAS) and the second off Rick Ankiel (STL)– and wins the game’s MVP award.

2019. Michael Ynoa (OAK) strikes out nineteen batters over three innings, but David Wright (JUP) hits a 6-run homer to win it for Jupiter and the newly-formed Galaxy League.

2020. Unfrozen Ted Williams (BOS) triumphs over Glork (SAT) and the rest of the Galaxy League pitching staff to win the game by a score of %#$ to &^&.

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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.

12 Responses to “Future All-Star Game Highlights”

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  1. ettin says:

    Come on Blachman, it was all realistic up to the point that you said Glork would actually be pitching in the playoffs. Everyone knows Glork won’t establish citizenship in time for 2020 when the new CBA rules go into effect in 2014-2015…. geez!

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  2. Pete says:

    He lost all credibility at “Jeff Francoeur walks”

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  3. MikeS says:

    …Alex Rodriguez (CHW)…

    Why? Because the White Sox future looks too rosy?

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  4. jim` says:

    id love for mexico to get a franchise, but im afraid they might try to nationalize the industry like they did with our danged oil

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  5. dale lives! says:

    I thought for sure the time when Dale Thayer ignited a media firestorm when FOX bullpen cameras caught him casually hitting a pipe during 3 of the 6 innings prior to his 2015 appearance. When Chris Myers offered him the out that he was merely smoking harmless tobacco to calm his nerves, Dale disagreed vigorously. That was PCP, necessary to get his head straight from the night before. “No law ‘gainst that” Dale slyly quipped before grabbing a couple of beers and headed towards the showers.

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  6. scatterbrian says:

    So Taijuan Walker doesn’t have starter stuff and will end up a reliever?

    Stupid future.

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  7. HItler But Sadder says:

    I think I’ve heard of this Glork kid– didn’t he just get go in the international signing?

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