Games I Wish To Protest

tarp

I think it’s wonderful that the San Francisco Giants have made the first successful protest in the past 28 years of baseball. Too long have we been chained to the pedantic, tiresome facts that pile up over the course of each baseball game. The external world is overrated anyway, what with its unreliable sensory data, its lack of free will, and the suspiciously lifelike behavior of the actors that populate our personal dramas. It’s time to make our own rules.

So as long as sophistry reigns supreme, and we can alter the outcome of games by talking about them very cleverly, I’d like to nominate a few contests of the near and distant past that I officially protest.

June 2, 2010: Cleveland @ Detroit

This seems like a good place to start. Armando Galarraga threw a perfect game. We don’t need The Man’s approval to tell us what’s true and what isn’t.

October 22, 1975: Cincinnati @ Boston (World Series Game 7)

I really couldn’t care less who won a World Series between two championship-rich franchises in a year that predates my birth and the birth of my baseball team of choice. But I do love the image of Fisk waving it fair, because I am a human being capable of feeling emotions, and thus I find it kind of selfish of the Reds to ruin it by winning the next game. Also, it eliminates 25 years of New England self-pity, so bonus!

August 16, 1920: Cleveland @ New York

We may as well save a guy’s life while we’re doing this. Let’s make it rain that day.

August 19, 1987: New York @ Seattle

I was a young boy when I went to the Kingdome with a bunch of people to watch the Yankees demolish the hometown Mariners. Rickey was out with a hamstring pull, naturally. This in itself is of little consequence. In the seventh inning, I headed over to the nearest restroom and was confronted by something I had never seen before: a trough for a urinal. I was a short kid, and I could barely reach over it. Plus, the flushing mechanism was a foot pedal, which seemed really odd. But I had to pee, so pee I did, focusing myopically on the task at hand.

Afterward I turned to find a man twice my size and thrice my weight braced in front of me, his eyes a little wide. “Kid,” he called in a loud, strange voice, “Kid, you just pissed in the sink!” I turned in the direction of his outstretched finger: the urinals were apparently behind another corner that I hadn’t seen. I had, in fact, pissed in the sink. I mumbled an apology, eyes turned downward to avoid the judgmental stares, and ran back to my seat. For two innings I was afraid that he would track me down and tell my parents.

We moved out of town after that, and I never went back to the Kingdome. When they blew it up thirteen years later, I felt like a little part of me had finally been set free.

Game cancelled due to falling tile in the fourth inning.

August 20, 2014: Cleveland @ Minnesota

I just glanced at the box score of this game and it looked super boring. Game never took place, due to, let’s say, locusts.

June 4, 2002: Seattle @ Oakland

I know. There’s no way I could have saved him. Even if I were to go back in time and kidnap M’s third-base coach Dave Myers and stuff him in a locker. Even if I stopped said Myers from throwing up a late stop sign on proto-Herculean Australian prospect Chris Snelling, causing him to blow out his ACL eight games into his rookie season. It wouldn’t matter. Doyle would have broken an ankle the next day, or contracted mad cow disease (it was 2002), or had an anvil drop on him. The timeline would have restored itself. There are some things that are too beautiful to remain. But I would have paid for one more day. Just one.




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Patrick Dubuque is a wastrel and a general layabout. Many of the sites he has written for are now dead. Follow him on Twitter @euqubud.


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@OSITF_blog
Guest
2 years 1 month ago

I would like to protest the death of NotGraphs

#KeepNotGraphs

Lisa S
Guest
Lisa S
2 years 1 month ago

Come gather ’round children
it’s high time ye learns
about a hero named Notgraphs and a devil named Cistulli.

We’ll comment ’til we drop, the girls and the fellas
we’ll comment ’til we drop or fold like umbrellas

So we’ll comment day and night with messages so dour
they have the website but we have the power

Carson Cistulli
Guest
Carson Cistulli
2 years 1 month ago

Look at them all through the darkness I’m bringing! They’re not sad at all, they’re actually singing!

They sing without juicers!

They sing without blenders!

They sing without flunjers, capdabblers, and smendlers!

Tell Appelman I’m ready to deal.

Jon
Guest
Jon
2 years 1 month ago

Amen to the Galarraga game. If they can retroactively change the suspended game rule because it seems unfair to end the game due to the Cubs’ crew’s negligence (not mechanical..), why not retroactively impose the video review rule to that one and declare the game over one batter earlier than the umps did at the time.

Yirmiyahu
Member
2 years 1 month ago

To be fair, they didn’t retroactively change any rules for the Giants/Cubs game. There’s actually a rule right on point.

Official Baseball Rule 4.12(a) A game shall become a suspended game that must be completed at a future date if the game is terminated for any of the following reasons: […] (3) Light failure or malfunction of a mechanical field device under control of the home club. (Mechanical field device shall include automatic tarpaulin or water removal equipment).

Supposedly the game was only cancelled because the Cubs grounds crew was slow and sloppy in getting the tarp on the field.

ben
Guest
ben
2 years 1 month ago

But the Cubs’ tarp isn’t automatic, so that rule doesn’t apply.

ErroneousInfieldFly
Guest
ErroneousInfieldFly
2 years 1 month ago

October 5, 2012 Braves vs Cardinals in Wild Card Game

JLuman
Guest
JLuman
2 years 1 month ago

Outfield fly rule?

CardsWin
Guest
CardsWin
2 years 1 month ago

Only if they also overturn that BS timeout call before strike three to David Ross.

me
Guest
me
2 years 1 month ago

“the umpire shall immediately declare “Infield Fly” for the benefit of the runners”

two key words:

-immediately
-benefit

Waiting until the last possible second before the ball hits the ground is not immediate, therefore the rule was implemented illegally. It also in no way benefited the runner, which is explicitly stated as the primary reason to invoke the rule.

Paul G.
Guest
Paul G.
2 years 1 month ago

I’m not sure you grasp how the protest system works. You can protest the game to the league and they may or may not uphold it. Other protests are not effective. Protesting the weather results in Mother Nature choosing your front lawn as the new mating ground for the spotted fart skunk. Protesting acts of God is ELECTRIFYING complete with a scriptural blurb how you pretty much deserved it and everyone agress on that point, perhaps with a “ye” or “thou” thrown in. Protesting with a time machine can result in all sorts of fun paradoxes, but in your case I am assuming you will end up as your own father, grandfather, and the plumber who had to replace the sink pipes after they were tainted by child pee, and someone else won WWII. Probably Italy or Costa Rica or Zeke Bonura or something like that.

The Fray
Guest
The Fray
2 years 1 month ago

October 12, 1986 Boston at California

Harper Hill
Guest
Harper Hill
2 years 1 month ago

RIP Donnie

M.S. Solstice
Guest
M.S. Solstice
2 years 1 month ago

I’m disappointed this list didn’t include bocce ball or video poker

Anthony Rescan
Member
Anthony Rescan
2 years 1 month ago

There’s this game of Monopoly I played 3 years ago. Damn Marvin Gardens…

marc w
Guest
marc w
2 years 1 month ago

It seems like every game at the Kingdome I went to, one kid would piss in those Bradley sinks with the foot pedal. I was saved from lifelong embarrassment solely by the fact that my elementary school had the same sinks, and someone was kind enough to point out that pissing in the sink was not the done thing at school on my first day.

James
Guest
James
2 years 1 month ago

7-7-11 Diamondbacks vs. Angels.

cass
Guest
cass
2 years 1 month ago

Dear Patrick,

I would like to thank you very much for dedicating yourself to completing the 17 remaining entries in the Ironic Jersey Omnibus before the end of the World Series this year when NotGraphs will be killed. We appreciate your dedication in getting through all of the remaining teams, including the Montreal Expos/Washington Nationals. You uphold the high standards of NotGraphs quite proudly.

Sincerely,
A Loyal Reader

Pennsy
Guest
Pennsy
2 years 1 month ago

The only response to “Kid, you just pissed in the sink” is “Sir, you just watched a child urinate.”

me
Guest
me
2 years 1 month ago

Braves-Cards Wild Card Game.

So much protest.

Packbob
Guest
Packbob
2 years 1 month ago

All the Cubs losses since I became a fan during childhood, too many years ago.

GBSimons
Guest
GBSimons
2 years 1 month ago

I pissed in the sink at Wrigley Field when I was a kid, too. Just like you, Patrick, I didn’t realize it until I was done.

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