Get Your Playoff Tickets Here


St. Louis Cardinals fans should be wary of postseason ticket scammers, the St. Louis office of the Better Business Bureau says…. The Internet has become the arena of choice for sports fans looking to buy or sell tickets…. Be careful buying tickets from someone on the street…. Don’t buy from sellers who try to lure buyers from a legitimate site to another site for a “private” transaction…. If you are buying tickets through an online classified ad site, don’t pay by wire transfer.
–“Be wary of bogus Cardinal playoff tickets, Better Business Bureau warns,”

Hey, you, with the wallet in your pocket. Are you looking for playoff tickets? I’ve got all of the playoff teams right here. The ones with the Red hats, ones with the Blue hats, even ones with the Green hats. The guys who are probably going to win the thing, and the guys who are probably going to lose the thing. Good places to watch the competition, too. Right near everything. And also near the important thing. Also on the other side of the place they play. And some seats higher in the air, in that other part of the place where things are happening. Are you rooting for the victory of one of the teams that are playing in the thing? Oh, good. You should get my special tickets for the people rooting for the team in the thing.

I have lots of tickets, all of them real and certified by the people who certify tickets. I have tickets for the time of the activity when the winning might happen. Also tickets for the other times and parts of the whole thing, whenever they are. Are you looking for the daytime tickets? I have the daytime tickets and the nighttime tickets. Also the most important tickets, but they are for costing more money.

The playoffs is for the baseball, yes? With the bats and the balls? The base balls? Yes, it is a wonderful sport event with very fun playoffs. And very hard to find tickets that you can find here, from me. I root, root, root for the hone team. Do you? With these tickets you can buy the peanuts and also to cracker the jacks. Do you need phone charger to cracker the jacks? I sell that item too, with real Apple logo glue on with real El-Mar Glue. If your phone is crackered with my phone cracker tool kit you can use any provider around the world for your phone service needs. How will you feel at the playoff competition with a phone that can use any provider for your needs? Good, right? Very good. So you should buy the tickets and also the cracker.

I actually am running out of the tickets, so you need to buy fast. It is one, two, three, four strikes and you are out of tickets to the balls game. I will even throw in a head bobble doll of the Joshua Hambilton. There was an overproduction of the doll so I have access to many of these. I will give you sixteen dolls if you buy one tickets to the playoff match. More if you buy more.

No tax if you pay cash. Also, I only accept cash. Also, I don’t know what tax is. Also, the tickets are invisible. Also, you should give me your phone so I can do magic to it. Also, I am going to make your phone disappear.

Goodbye. Enjoy the balls game.

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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.

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