Giant Cat, Illegal Dice Game, Wrigley Field

Bewhiskered Colossus Whopping

It began when young Mickey Blaszczyk of Portage Park stumbled upon a baby cat. He kept it. His father, a subcontractor of vast body odor, once found the baby cat curled up in his work pants. Rather than identify this as one of the moments of haphazard beauty that sustains us, Mickey Blaszczyk’s father and his meaty hands took it as an affront. This baby cat is anti-union, he thought. I’m getting rid of it, he told Mickey. He flushed it down the toilet.

The cat — soon to forget his given name of Mittens Blaszczyk — found that the sewers of Chicago nourished him beyond his wildest imaginings. A relentless diet of activated sludge and ward-heeler’s turds helped him defy the growth charts of every sewer-dwelling cat pediatrician whom he encountered. And he encountered many. Because of his size, visiting alligators from New York — themselves of unthinkable depths and breadths — changed his name from “Mittens Blaszczyk” to “Bewhiskered Colossus Whopping.”

Eventually, Bewhiskered Colossus Whopping grew too large for the infrastructure in place and cracked through the asphalt at the already nightmarish Fullerton-Damen-Clybourn intersection, sewer lines wrapped around his neck like sewer lines around the neck of a giant cat. Police were summoned. They lobbed grenades at him, singed his fur with flamethrowers and assailed him with shoulder-mounted missile launchers. America declared nuclear war against Bewhiskered Colossus Whopping, and Irish-Catholics prayed to Satan that he would be be murdered by big lightning. It was all to no effect.

Bewhiskered Colossus Whopping meowed at them, and the sound of that meowing crumbled capital improvements at far-off universities where legacy admissions hoped every phone call brought news of a grandfather’s death. While it sounded like merest meows to those who survived the hearing of it, what Bewhiskered Colossus Whopping was saying was this: “As a show of defiance, I shall hold an illegal dice game at Wrigley Field.”

And that is what Bewhiskered Colossus Whopping did.

As for Mickey Blaszczyk, he died.




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Handsome Dayn Perry can be found making love to the reader at CBSSports.com's Eye on Baseball. He is available for all your Twitter needs.

10 Responses to “Giant Cat, Illegal Dice Game, Wrigley Field”

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  1. Gold Star for Robot Boy says:

    Pursue the Pennant! Loved that game.

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  2. MikeS says:

    …sewer lines wrapped around his neck like sewer lines around the neck of a giant cat.

    Hey now! I’m not used to fine literature in these parts of the interweb. Take your fancy similes somewhere else.

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  3. Jacob Smith says:

    Baseball dice games use dice other than a D6? I thought that was only for us Satan-worshiping D&D nerds.

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  4. Guy says:

    this was fantastic. i luv catz

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  5. Cy Duck says:

    Activated Sludge is actually a process used to remove BOD5 and other stuff from the wastewater at the treatment plant, not something you would find in the sewers.

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  6. oriolesoptimist says:

    Bewiskered Collosus Whooping now lives at Kerry Wood’s home

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  7. reillocity says:

    Speaking of turds, this gets me thinking that somewhere in America there’s a definite untapped market for litterbox replicas of MLB stadiums. Who wouldn’t enjoy “Socks” urinating in US Cellular Field? As a bonus, the Miller/MinuteMaid/Safeco/Marlins versions would all have retractable roofs!

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