GIF: Ode to Terrible Cubs Fans

Ode to Terrible Cubs Fans

You will give me a look
when I say I am a Cubs fan
not a fan of Cubs fans
give me a look
think me spiraling away
in a high-horse spreadsheet
=sum(Jacques Jones, Milton Bradley, Cap Anson)
=stdev(this Google search:Steve Bartman)
The answer is not undefined
but curiously enough
spread out the collective goodwill
to the bleacher bums –
the Cubs fan heroes –
and get
#DIV/0.

Maybe the problem isn’t the Friendly Confines
but the duo Old Style and man combined.
If I don’t like the brick behind the ivy,
if I don’t toast the party,
if I don’t mind the wave,
I might be the Terrible Cubs Fan,
but I will enjoy it my own way
and when I catch a homer,
be quick to give it away.




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Bradley writes for FanGraphs and The Hardball Times. Follow him on Twitter @BradleyWoodrum.


15 Responses to “GIF: Ode to Terrible Cubs Fans”

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  1. Lichtenstein says:

    Come on, this is the worst you can find. What about that couple in Texas who took a foul ball from a little kid and then took pictures of themselves with the ball while the kid was crying right next to them.

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    • Yeah, that’s probably the worst (you will notice is placing highly in that Google search, IIRC). But this is the most recent even, and each one of these acts of shamelessness deserves at least a modicum of scathing fame

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      • Fred says:

        Seems to me that the ball went right under their seat and they picked it up. They didn’t take the ball from the child and probably didn’t realize why he was crying.

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        • deadhead says:

          That couple in Texas didn’t deserve the scorn they received. They didn’t take the ball from a kid, they just didn’t give a kid a ball. It turned out they were getting married that weekend and wanted it as a momento. When is it ok to keep a ball? If there are no kids within how many seats from you? That crying kid deserved the scorn there.

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    • Daniel says:

      that was one of the biggest examples of Yankee broadcasting FAILS. no, they did not take the ball from a little kid. It landed near them, they picked it up, and they took a picture. They were getting married. They didn’t even see the little boy. That’s the trouble with the media…certain things get told all over like this but the actual story never gets cleared up.

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      • Mr. Observant says:

        Oh, f%#k off with your inane ‘truth in reportage’ nonsense. If I wanted truth from broadcast media I’d watch Charlie Rose. I want an emotive, fact-ish narrative spun for me that warm the heart and makes clear a villain for us to scorn and beat to death with pipe and 2×4′s…

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      • Daniel says:

        Not buying it, Other Daniel. Who care if they were getting married? They bought wedding rings, right?

        The kid is right there, he’s crying. They heard him. They saw him. Give him the ball.

        It’s a ball. He’s a kid. They’re assholes.

        Deadhead: “When is it ok to keep a ball? If there are no kids within how many seats from you?”

        Yeah, exactly. It’s a ball. You’re a grown-up. What are you going to do with it? If you catch a ball, have your moment of glory and then look around to see if any kids are nearby that might, you know, play with it and stuff. Don’t take pictures of yourself with some crying child in the background. No one is going to care about your “We caught a ball!” story anyway.

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        • Realist. says:

          F that noise. Throw the ball back. Right in front of the kid.

          Then throw the kid.

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        • Mr. Observant says:

          Yeah, what this non-Other person wrote! And anyway, since when do we have to put up with the witless, un-artful commentary of the ‘Others’ on the American Internet? Go back to godless Russia or Cuba with this sort of anti-child, un-American filth. Give the kid the ball, seduce and deflower the would-be bride and ruthlessly horse-whip the idiot would-be groom. That’s the American answer a fan of a real team would bring to the table. Bless you, Daniel – you are a solid citizen and a worthy comment-writer.

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  2. likenoneother says:

    I don’t think he’s saying that there are bad people at baseball games, that the Cubs have a greater than normal number of them. Cubs fans, in general, are drunken, disorderly, and shameless. That’s what you get in the bleachers anyways. Here’s what a brief timeline.

    You are a cubs fan (either born in Chicago land area outside of south side, or a yuppie who moved here from somewhere else and wants to cheer for a local team).
    You attend Cubs games – and you’re put off by the general rudeness, but enjoy company with lots of people in their 20s and 30s.
    You slowly become frustrated by lots of losing. Seriously they don’t have a farm system going for them at all.
    You drown your sorrows and frustration in 16 oz cans of Old Style.
    You get a beer belly, get older, and all the pretty girls your age got married. Cubs games become less fun, but because you’re a fan, you still go – you just get more drunk.
    You get older, lose your hair, and start wearing bandanas as to not sunburn your head. You see a young people, and they make you made – all their optimism and energy. You get a chance at a home run, and damn it all to hell if someone else stops you from getting that ball.
    You get a NotGraphs article made about you. Life is complete, and you die at peace.

    - a drunk, disorderly, shameless Cubs fan

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  3. Anon21 says:

    Are you guys laboring under the impression that the guy he takes the ball from in this gif is a kid? That does not look like a kid.

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  4. Dave Barker says:

    Thank you, Mr. Woodrum, for directing our attention to this asshole walking amongst us. I actually went back and watched the real thing on mlbtv. The homerun actually hit Mr. Bandana in the hands first, but he failed to catch it and it dropped into the cage. That’s when Mr. Polo Shirt reached down to grab it. After the gif ends, Mr. Bandana says, “It’s mine.” This gif is fascinating to me for so many reasons, so in Carles-esque fashion, I will list them below:

    Psychologically, did Mr. Bandana feel compelled to retrieve the ball because he initially failed to catch it?
    Did Mr. Bandana feel the ball belonged to him because it merely hit his hands first?
    Did Mr. Bandana commit robbery?
    Is Mr. Polo Shirt a hero because he recognizes the pettiness of it all?
    Did Mr. Polo Shirt feel emascualated in front of Girlfriend?
    Did Girlfriend feel less attracted to Mr. Polo Shirt afterward?
    Should Mr. Polo Shirt start working out?
    Did Girlfriend leave Mr. Polo Shirt to start making trash babies with Mr. Bandana?

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    • Interesting questions.

      Here are the irrevocable answers:

      Yes.
      Yes, but he probably would’ve snatched it anyway.
      Yes.
      Yes, a double shot of yes.
      Probably yes also.
      No, she thought of him as more sensitive than ever.
      Yes, but so should we all.
      Yes, but she still loved Polo Shirt. It was complicated.

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