Note: the title of this post formerly referred to the player in question as Juan Abreu — because the author’s culturally insensitive intern took the dictation wrong, is totally why. The author, who is acquainted with all races and ethnicities equally, has corrected the mistake.
Neither the author nor scientists nor God Himself — who, as the pronoun indicates, is definitely a man, with all relevant male anatomical features — knows the answer: does the grainy footage embedded above depict a fiery ball of space rock cascading across the night sky or, alternatively, a ball hit off the bat of newest White Sox acquisition, Cuban émigré Jose Abreu?
Like the eyes of Tom Selleck from a Magnum, P.I. poster in your neighbor Mark’s basement, this question will now follow you around wherever you go — provided, mostly, that “wherever you go” is confined exclusively to your neighbor Mark’s basement.