Greg Luzinski Is a Killing Machine

I desire nothing save the completion of assigned tasks.

Do not blame Greg Luzinski for being a killing machine: For he is but a hostage to his factory settings. The pits of his eyes are pellucid only at the moment of the kill. Stare into them — moments before he makes a deadly cudgel out of one of your de-socketed limbs — and you see nothing more than the clicks, clangs, grinds and clatters of an industrial sense of mission. It follows, then, that Greg Luzinski is a killing machine.

As you might imagine, he is amoral in the extreme. The sense of compunction he feels at the clinically detached slaying of, say, a grandmother who has finally come to believe that, insofar as Publisher’s Clearinghouse is concerned, the fix is in; or the child who witnesses the indiscretion of a diplomat; or the shareholder who is too promiscuous with grievances toward the board fails to register on even the most finely tuned instruments of detection. It follows, then, that Greg Luzinski is a killing machine.

Depending on circumstances and externalities, Greg Luzinski’s Boolean programming commands him to kill with a muzzle-loading firearm or the cutlass he wears on his hip or the nearest load-bearing beam. Failing those, he will use his barrel-hinge knuckles to choke the insurrectionist until his isthmus of a throat turns to blood and dust.

Do not blame Greg Luzinski for the warehoused pallets of the over-murdered. You’d just as soon blame the tempest for the ship’s wreckage. Greg Luzinski’s one and only locus presses him onward, and so he annihilates by rote.

The only reason Greg Luzinski isn’t taking back the streets at this moment is that he never surrendered those streets in the first place. Another reason is that he isn’t taking back the streets is that those who mind his switches haven’t yet received written orders — signed in triplicate — instructing them to command Greg Luzinski to take back the streets. But if they do, he will. And don’t you know the storm drains shall be choked with a thickset gumbo of human organs.

Greg Luzinski, you see, is a killing machine.




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Handsome Dayn Perry can be found making love to the reader at CBSSports.com's Eye on Baseball. He is available for all your Twitter needs.


14 Responses to “Greg Luzinski Is a Killing Machine”

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  1. PrettyRicky says:

    Consider my day made. You, sir, are an inspiration, and a churl.

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  2. Oh, Beepy. says:

    Its totally going to turn out this dude committed a murder irl. APOLOGIZE, DAYN!

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  3. James K. says:

    I understood exactly twelve of those words.

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  4. MikeS says:

    I met Greg Luzinski in 1983. He even gave my dad, my brother and myself a tour of the clubhouse before a game and team autographed baseballs that we still have. He was frickin’ huge but I remember him being in no way homicidal. A very nice guy.

    Sorry to get the facts in the way of this fine piece.

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  5. Guy says:

    Dayn – I normally do not enjoy your work, but I have to admit I enjoyed this piece. Nice job.

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  6. Don Zimmer's jowl sweat says:

    He looks like Clayton Kershaw crossed with Andre the Giant.

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  7. Patrick says:

    Greg DESTROYED Gorman Thomas and Dave Kingman just for laughs….

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  8. Rickie Weeks Potential Jheri Curl says:

    I assume it is safe to say that Greg Luzinski literally has blood on his hands.

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    • The Over-Murdered says:

      One could only assume that Greg Luzinski would bat not one mechanically adjusted eyelash at the prospect of digging up late Indians outfielder Dave Pope and nullifying his surname in an one simultaneously glorious and sinister courtroom arch-trial.

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  9. bowie says:

    if somebody remakes “Blazing Saddles,” Luzinski should play Mongo

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  10. nuddles says:

    I always just thought of him as being Polish… Oh… Er… Yeah… The holocaust… Carry on.

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