Happy Father’s Day, Vladimir

According to TMZ, Vladimir Guerrero pays over $25,000 in child support each month, for eight children with five different women.


I tried to call and wish him a Happy Father’s Day, but the line was busy all day!


I kept getting his voice mail. And the mailbox was full.


I got him a Father’s Day card, but he said he already had three of the same card I bought. There simply aren’t enough unique Father’s Day cards. Hallmark, you suck.


I think it’s almost my turn to see him again this Christmas. Too bad he won’t remember what I look like, since the last time it was my turn was 2004, and I was one.

The latest paternity lawsuit was filed by a woman named Heidy Ogando, who, hopefully for Alexi Ogando of the Rangers, is not his wife. Although if it is, perhaps this gives the Blue Jays players a reason not to be too upset he won’t be joining them in Toronto.

“I like my wife,” said Casey Janssen.

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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.

4 Responses to “Happy Father’s Day, Vladimir”

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  1. DD says:

    Vlad Guerrero – the real life Dewey Cox.

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  2. This Guy says:

    Shawn Kemp laughs in your general direction Vlad.

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  3. Mike Green says:

    The bat control lesson obviously wasn’t going to be easy to teach.

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  4. Andrew says:

    Something tells me none of his children resemble those in the above picture.

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