“He initiates conversation”

From Newsday’s David Lennon:

Some of Lucas Duda’s other “amazing traits” that impress Terry Collins:

1. He swallows food.
2. He opens doors.
3. He ties his shoes.
4. He breathes.
5. He hasn’t killed anybody yet.
6. He showed up for Spring Training, even though he’s on the Mets.
7. He flushes the toilet.
8. He uses the right glove.
9. He doesn’t text in movie theaters.
10. He calls his parents.

Fred Wilpon, on the other hand, wishes Duda would just shut up already, because the conversations he keeps initiating are about Bernie Madoff.

Thanks to Carson for finding the Tweet.




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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.

8 Responses to ““He initiates conversation””

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  1. Bryz says:

    Not only does Duda show up for spring training, he shows up early.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  2. Kyle says:

    I have a feeling like Terry Collins might be making a lot of NotGraphs appearances this season.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  3. Well-Beered Englishman says:

    “He pays for our dinners together”
    “He brings me roses on Valentine’s Day”
    “He snuggles with me after I have a bad day”
    “He makes me feel wanted”
    “He can draw a bath”
    “He is understanding when I have one of my moods”
    “He really knows how to listen to me”
    “He is a tornado in the sack”

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  4. Seitz says:

    Hey, cut Terry some slack. Not everyone’s good at initiating conversation. Though I’ll admit to being pretty good at all of those other things….except may #s 5 and 7.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

    • Jack says:

      People who don’t flush the toilet deserve to be swirlied in their own bile.

      Vote -1 Vote +1

      • Bryz says:

        I had a neighbor my sophomore year of college that not only wouldn’t flush the toilet, but also pissed on the seat and didn’t wash his hands. I swear, he was afraid of touching everything in that bathroom except his own junk.

        Vote -1 Vote +1

        • Well-Beered Englishman says:

          Yeah, but other people were touching everything else in the bathroom, and I bet nobody in the world had ever touched that guy’s junk.

          Vote -1 Vote +1

  5. Choo says:

    “He puts the lotion in the basket.”

    Vote -1 Vote +1

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