1. Juan Pablo Galavis (current star of TV’s reality train-wreck, The Bachelor). Galavis comes equipped with what Parade magazine (my usual go-to for baseball-related news, right after The Economist) calls an “attractive accent and hunky body,” making him a top choice for teams lacking sufficient handsomeness. Nevertheless, he has found himself in hot water given his recent comments about how a gay or bisexual star of The Bachelor would not be a good role model. (As opposed to the excellent role models that all straight reality television stars are.) Thus, a change of scenery might be good for Galavis. Perhaps to your favorite team, where he offers all the risk of a person who makes offensive comments and none of the reward of actually being able to play baseball.
2. New Jersey governor Chris Christie. Christie could certainly use a new place to ply his craft, whatever that craft might be, after troubles this month involving something about bridge traffic, and how if Chris Christie is standing on a bridge, traffic is blocked in every lane, in both directions. He would make a perfect high-risk, no-reward addition to any team, especially in the short term, since he currently seems likely to be a free agent before his next election. If not sooner. Christie offers your team unmatched plate coverage.
3. Mitik, a frail orphaned walrus. According to The New York Times, Mitik is already on the move, having left New York for Texas, where he will sit out an aquarium renovation, because the unrenovated aquarium is too cold. Most teams could definitely find a place for a temperature-sensitive walrus, especially those in warmer climates. Perhaps the best fit is the Astros, since Mitik is already in Texas, and a frail, orphaned walrus would be an upgrade at most positions. (Though maybe not at first base, where it would be a wash.) He looks to go into spring training unsigned, unless he learns sign language.
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