COOPERSTOWN, NEW YORK — In a tradition that now has spanned 75 straight years, the voting process for the National Baseball Hall of Fame — and all the shit throwing, posturing, statement making, and overall pissy attitudes that go along with it — has succeeded in turning pretty much everyone into an asshole.
“We could not have asked for a bigger outpouring of dickish attitudes and self-absorbed douchebaggery for our 75th anniversary,” said Jeff Idelson, president of the National Baseball Hall of Fame and Museum. “I mean, have you been on the Internet lately? They’re using language my father wouldn’t have used when he served in Vietnam. This blogger is calling this columnist a name, then the columnist fires back but misspells a word and everyone goes bananas over that. One dude let a website fill out his ballot, then that dude got freaking suspended. Oh man. This is really a display of toxic vitriol and human degradation befitting our great organization. It’s like everyone is screaming at each other while jerking off on a picture of themselves. That’s the way we like it here in Cooperstown.”
“Who do you write for?” asked a national baseball writer when approached for comment. “How did you get this number?”
“What, you think you’re better than me?” one blogger responded when asked for a statement.
When asked if the Hall will possibly make some suggestions to the Baseball Writers Association of America — the voting body for the hall’s museum — to prevent future backlash and shitty behavior, Idelson was indignant.
“Why should we? When this great institution and induction process was founded, it had one goal. To get a whole subset of people to behave in the most childish, selfish, arrogant, and idiotic way possible. When you start something like this, I don’t care what it’s for, you want everyone involved to act one way, like a bunch of pompous fucking assholes. I may be biased, but I’m really proud of how we were able to accomplish that feat.”
The hall of fame ballot for next year should be just as contested, with almost-certain shoo-ins like Pedro Martinez and Randy Johnson becoming eligible for induction for the first time. Regardless of the outcome, Idelson is certain the voting process will be just as horse-fucked.
“Oh yeah, total shit show. We can’t wait.”
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