If you’re not like my mother, you still have holiday shopping to do.
Wade Boggs is sort of the Bill Murray of Major League Baseball: both are cloaked in urban legend, always cool (in the sense of being unflappable and being hip), funny, and unpredictable; both had sorta underrated careers but have devoted followings.
That said, you can imagine all sorts of things that might happen should you give the gift of meeting, greeting, and candidly speaking with Mr. Wade Boggs to the Wade Boggs fan in your life…
Let’s say the Wade Boggs fan in your life meets, greets, and then speaks candidly with Wade Boggs on the topic of ocean fishing and how the Wade Boggs fan in your life just can’t stop wearing crappy Hawaiian shirts — the Wade Boggs fan in your life even wears them as undershirts, just like Wade Boggs does! The Wade Boggs fan in your life is very likely to hit it off with the Chicken Man, Wade Boggs.
But conversation will really pick up when the Wade Boggs fan in your life starts to talk about his/her weakness for ill-fitting suits, buxom blondes, and limousine evenings. They’ll throw back one [case of] Miller Lite, then another [dozen], all while the other lame auction winners are trying to butt in and ask Chicken Man Wade Boggs for hitting advice for their kids in little league. The Wade Boggs fan in your life and Chicken Man Wade Boggs will be so drunk and the Wade Boggs fan in your life will flip off the other auction winners and start to tell them their kids suck but Chicken Man Wade Boggs, who is always cool like Bill Groundhog Day Ghostbustin’-Ass Murray, will calm down the Wade Boggs fan in your life, sign a few quick autographs, and abscond with the Wade Boggs fan in your life for an evening of champaign in VIP rooms lined with sultry temptresses and/or tempting men, depending on the Wade Boggs fan in your life’s preferences.
At 6am, 64 Miller Lites later, the Wade Boggs fan in your life and Chicken Man Wade Boggs will board a flight to Vegas, fall asleep, wake up in Vegas, laugh it off, get a room at the MGM, sleep it off, then wake up and absolutely destroy Vegas. No, seriously, the Wade Boggs fan in your life and Chicken Man Wade Boggs will start a fire on The Strip that spreads so quickly that the entire Strip is destroyed. Then the Wade Boggs fan in your life and Chicken Man Wade Boggs will stand on the heap of smoldering ashes that was once America’s greatest monument to vice and shout, “Take that, Zach Galifianakis!” in holy unison.
There’s really no reason not to give the gift of meeting, greeting, and candidly speaking with Chicken Man Wade Boggs to the Wade Boggs fan in your life. That would just be the biggest mistake ever.
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Apparently, several of these will be auctioned off, so if you don’t win the first auction you enter, do not be discouraged. Just sit down, eat a chicken, drink a case of Miller Lite, and bid at 5:17pm, then again at 7:17pm.
If you fail again, you can always give the gift of this awesome Wade Boggs tumblr.