Hopeless Joe Apologizes for Picking the Padres to Win the Wild Card

You may recall FanGraphs’s pre-season staff predictions. Though I, Hopeless Joe, am not officially a member of the staff, Mr. Blachman only follows what players do on Twitter and on his fantasy roster, not the win-loss records of the actual teams, so he allowed me to make his picks for him.

I, of course, chose the Padres as one of my two NL wild cards.

I did this because of players like Andrew Cashner, and his mullet, and Chase Headley, who once had a really awesome season, and whose name is pretty similar to Chase Utley’s, if you cover up a few letters.

Also, pitching excites me more than hitting, pitcher’s parks excite me more than hitter’s parks, and it just seemed to make sense that a team with seemingly smart folks at the helm would eventually figure it out.

It appears that my pick is likely to prove incorrect, just like most of the things I pick, including the entree at every buffet I’ve ever eaten at, oh why must food-borne pathogens enjoy replicating inside my insides so very, very much?

I could say more about the Padres, but they hit worse than my spins of life’s roulette wheel and many of their players can’t seem to stay on the field any longer than my dates can remain in the same room as me, so what useful insights can possibly remain?

Actually, the pick reminds me of the time I picked my nose, and it started bleeding and wouldn’t stop, and no matter how many people told me to go to the emergency room, I stuck to my original plan and refused to do a full rebuilding from scratch. Of my face. Okay, the analogy fell apart at some point. But that’s just like the Padres. They’ve fallen apart. They should trade Andrew Cashner, some time between when he’s off the DL and when he goes back on it again, and they should see what they can get for Huston Street, and they should remove my lifetime ban from Petco Park since it’s unlikely I’m going to have a nose bleed again on the outfield grass, and they should stop Omar Minaya from trading the farm system for Bartolo Colon again, and no one should laugh when I pick them again next year, and they lose 110 games.

P.S. My NL MVP pick was Matt Holliday! My AL East pick was Tampa Bay! Accountability! I may be hopeless but at least I admit it!




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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.


11 Responses to “Hopeless Joe Apologizes for Picking the Padres to Win the Wild Card”

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  1. the price is wrong says:

    Tampa will still win the AL East.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  2. Ruben Amaro Jr.. says:

    What nosebleed?

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  3. I was right there with you, Joe. NotGraphs represent.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  4. Urban Shocker says:

    There really should be a NotGraphs staff predictions column.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  5. John Paschal says:

    Chin up, Hopeless Joe.

    I picked the Rangers to win the AL West, and Prince Fielder to win MVP.

    Next up: David Schwimmer will win the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor!

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  6. You says:

    I sometimes forget that the Padres exist.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  7. Melk Was a Bad Choice says:

    Can we have your ballpark when you die? -Angels

    Vote -1 Vote +1

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