Hopeless Joe Laments His Fantasy Team’s First Week

It has not been a fun week.

Not that any of my weeks are particularly fun, but this time I had hope. Which is hard for me to have, but I did, I think. It was either hope or constipation. It’s hard to tell the difference sometimes. I mean, thought I came through my fantasy draft with a great team. Wasn’t sure if I could win every category in my modified 5×5* but I thought I’d at least be competitive. And the last time I was competitive in anything was my third grade girls’ dodgeball league. (My parents wanted a girl. Fooled everyone, including me, until about two years into puberty. I was Hopeless Jo back then.)

So… first round, Albert Pujols. Can’t go wrong. Second round, Josh Hamilton. Third round, David Price. Off to a great start, right? Brian Roberts, Pedro Alvarez, Ryan Howard, Jeff Keppinger filled out my infield. Rookie of the Year candidate Aaron Hicks as my third outfielder. Chris Carter in the utility spot. No catcher. My league doesn’t have catchers.

Carlos Marmol and Greg Holland would give me a lights-out bullpen. Tim Lincecum, Brett Myers, Mark Buehrle, Hiroki Kuroda. Jake McGee and Joba Chamberlain.

Of course, as prone to overreaction as I am, I’ve already traded my entire team for J.A. Happ, Travis Wood, Gerardo Parra, and Franklin Gutierrez. And a couple of football players. This year will be my year.

*Batting average, home runs, runs batted in, stolen bases, wins, saves, ERA, WHIP, drug suspensions, and felony convictions.



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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.


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Dave
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Dave

I assume that’s tounge in cheek when you mention Marmol and lights-out bullpen in the same sentence.

olethros
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olethros

Well, someone’s lights are getting put out.

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