Hopeless Joe on the Jhonny Peralta Signing

Sorry for chiming in again so quickly after my last post. Usually I need at least a couple of weeks to recuperate after writing a few hundred words for Internet consumption, but this Jhonny Peralta signing really got to me. I have experience in the area of drug suspensions and attempting to find a new job afterwards. A few years ago I found myself terribly addicted to a complex cocktail of Ambien, Lexapro, and two pints of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream every night. My supervisor down at the content mill where I worked noticed that I was, well, a little zonked out most days, and getting a little too big to fit in my cubicle. He obviously couldn’t afford to move the wall out by a few inches — “you get two square feet, Joe, that’s just how it is in the real man’s workin’ world,” he would say, while counting his Bitcoins — so he put me on unpaid leave and told me to clean myself up. I stopped the Ambien and Lexapro cold turkey, switched from Ben & Jerry’s to some diet substitute, and spent the next two weeks awake, manic, and unable to leave the bathroom, because whatever was in that diet ice cream just made me go and go and go without end.

Where was I? Oh, yeah, so I came back to the office, and the content mill had gone out of business, replaced by a team of Tweeting robots trolling for page clicks, and my job was no more. And then — and here’s where the similarities to my situation and Peralta’s really become obvious — a man in a Cardinals hat said he wanted to take me as a prisoner for the next 4 years, and pay me in Cheerios.

Sudden withdrawal from Ambien may cause hallucinations. I think.

I did take steroids once. Cleared up a rash I got, from this one time I sort of volunteered at a homeless shelter. I didn’t realize it was a homeless shelter. And the volunteer coordinator didn’t realize I was homeless. The steroids gave me another rash, somewhere else, of course. I take steroids, I get a rash. Jhonny Peralta takes steroids, he gets $52 million dollars. They say money doesn’t buy happiness, but no one’s ever said they prefer a rash. So I think he wins.

I should check out that Cardinals fan’s Cheerios prison. It doesn’t sound that bad, sort of.




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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.


2 Responses to “Hopeless Joe on the Jhonny Peralta Signing”

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  1. A eskpert says:

    Dis be gooden.

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  2. dodgerdude says:

    I think the players union and mlb need to work out something to make ped windfall contracts discouraged a bit, so that it doesn’t pay so much to cheat, which probably really p.o.’s a good % of players. I’d propose something like that a player can still sign for however much money and years as a team is willing to give, however, if the player is given a suspension in the past season, their next contract has to count extra (like double the first year, 1 2/3 x $ the second year, 1 1/3 x the third and then count against the team’s salary cap even money. There’d be a different pro-rata depending on the number of years. This would deter teams somewhat from even paying so much for a player who they to some extant may suspect the player despite a false positive and would lower the amount teams are willing to pay such a player fresh off a suspension as much money due to salary cap concerns…i dunno just of the top of my head i’m sure there’s issues with it.

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