Hopeless Joe Reacts To The Fielder-Kinsler Trade


I’ve always gotten Fielder and Kinsler confused anyway. Seven letters in their last names. Both getting paid millions of dollars to play baseball. Okay, one of them can’t grow facial hair and the other one has a neck tattoo, but can anyone really keep the two of them straight? Physically, I mean. If you described each one to a police sketch artist, they’d end up looking like twins. Also, statistically. They both hit like thirty doubles a year. And that’s just the start of their similarities. (And the end.) Their Bill James Similarity Score must be like 950. (Or 50.)

So it’s just two more interchangeable parts being swapped for each other. The fans won’t even notice a difference on the field, and it doesn’t do anything to help fix up the Obamacare website. I don’t have time to worry about Ian Fielder and Prince Kinsler. I’ve been trying to buy health insurance for almost two months.

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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.

8 Responses to “Hopeless Joe Reacts To The Fielder-Kinsler Trade”

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  1. Hopeless Jaack says:

    Why even both buying health insurance, when we’re all going to be dead anyway.

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    • lowcountryjoe says:

      It makes total sense to buy insurance AFTER you need to make a health related claim…don’t know how that’s really consider insurance though; especially since premiums are not being set by how risky the insured is.

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  2. Professor says:

    I would argue that the sociological research would indicate that a white man (you are white right?) describing both a black man and a white man to a sketch artist would result in quite different results.

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  3. jfree says:

    Fielder obviously wasn’t able to do anything about the feral dogs in Detroit problem because like most pseudo-royal vegetarians he wasn’t able to connect with them. Kinsler OTOH has a pet dog and eats hot dogs so he might be more successful.

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