Hopeless Joe Recaps His Fantasy Auction

What can I say, really? Like all of my fantasies, I died in the end. I mean, I guess I didn’t actually die, but I almost electrocuted myself trying to restart my wireless router, which did, I suppose, actually die mid-draft. We should all be so lucky. I’d tell you who I ended up with, but what’s the point? It doesn’t count. Not that real baseball counts either. It’s a game. I’ll never understand how some people can get so worked up over a game when there are people starving in Africa, in Asia, and right here, in my living room. Three cats and a dog, all starving. Who has the energy to think about feeding them when there are people starving in Africa, Asia, and so many other places around the world?

I used to think it would be nice to visit some of those places, but then I realized I’d probably just end up being one of the starving ones. Chris Sale seems like he’s probably starving. So skinny. Oh, and he’s on my team. I outbid everyone else for him. Finally won something, two hours into the auction. It must be a fantasy if I’m winning something. Wow. Thinking about starving made me bid way too high for Mike Trout. Sophomore slump is coming, I’m sure. But his name is a food and I was hungry, so I went to 50 for him. Why not throw as much as I can on a couple of superstars, right? You never know when a bomb’s gonna go off and the draft is going to suddenly come to an end. And then it matters whether I stopped at 48 for Trout? No, if you want someone, you draft them.

I feel so bad for Mike Trout. Reaching the pinnacle of his career — of his life — at such a young age. There is nowhere to go but down. I don’t even know how he gets out of bed in the morning. Nowhere to go but down, Mike. Speaking of nowhere to go, Kyle Lohse. I feel like Kyle Lohse and I have a lot in common. Nobody wants us, not even the Astros. I bid a dollar for him at the end of the auction and got him. We’ll show them, Kyle. We’ll show all of my self-important leaguemates, with their jobs and their families and their breakfasts and lunches and dinners. We don’t need any of that. We have each other.

We also have Bartolo Colon, because you can’t think about starving people around the world without thinking about the guy who ate all of their food. I also went to $3 on A-Rod, but, hey, I can’t really bring myself to draft a guy who’s in even worse shape than I am.

Good luck in your drafts too!

Print This Post

Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.

6 Responses to “Hopeless Joe Recaps His Fantasy Auction”

You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.
  1. Joe, it appears as though Kyle Lohse has just been signed by the Brewers.


    Vote -1 Vote +1

    • Jeremy Blachman says:

      Wow, Milwaukee. Just where every baseball player wants to be forced to live. He may as well just end it right now.

      — Hopeless Joe

      Vote -1 Vote +1

  2. Leighton says:

    You got former Florida Gulf Coast University pitcher Chris Sale!

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  3. reillocity says:

    Trout’s doing Subway commercials now, Joe, and that seems like a logical first step for any athlete’s downward spiral.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

    • Rye Rye says:

      yeah; and that “eat fresh” model or slogan is the biggest joke this side of the ……………………..saraghetti (that one for hopeless Joe).

      Everything is processed at a factory and is really the antithesis of fresh. I refuse to eat there just because they lie right to my face with all the bs commercials. I just wish other folks would see through the fog of subway.

      Vote -1 Vote +1

  4. Rye Rye says:

    HopeFUL Joe – LMAO (I hate texting acronyms btw) Bartolo not only ate their food, but he stole steriods from A-Roid and Arnold Schwartza-stupid…..and ate those up too.

    Don’t worry about those starving people. Poor folks are having their resources stolen by these mega-corporations in broad daylight too. Now, no food, nor diamonds to mine > to buy food.

    I just drafted the other day and was looking for a reason why I am still playing “fantasy” crap anymore. Right after drafting my team, I find in the next few days that three of my guys were just DL’d to start the season. Off to a great start already!

    I’m at the point now of realizing what a waste of time this is becoming. Sure it’s fun, but I’ve reached the point of boredom. I already know my chances to succeed are low by the way I drafted (you don’t want to know).

    Rye-Rye to rags

    Vote -1 Vote +1