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Hopeless Joe Recaps His Fantasy Auction

What can I say, really? Like all of my fantasies, I died in the end. I mean, I guess I didn’t actually die, but I almost electrocuted myself trying to restart my wireless router, which did, I suppose, actually die mid-draft. We should all be so lucky. I’d tell you who I ended up with, but what’s the point? It doesn’t count. Not that real baseball counts either. It’s a game. I’ll never understand how some people can get so worked up over a game when there are people starving in Africa, in Asia, and right here, in my living room. Three cats and a dog, all starving. Who has the energy to think about feeding them when there are people starving in Africa, Asia, and so many other places around the world?

I used to think it would be nice to visit some of those places, but then I realized I’d probably just end up being one of the starving ones. Chris Sale seems like he’s probably starving. So skinny. Oh, and he’s on my team. I outbid everyone else for him. Finally won something, two hours into the auction. It must be a fantasy if I’m winning something. Wow. Thinking about starving made me bid way too high for Mike Trout. Sophomore slump is coming, I’m sure. But his name is a food and I was hungry, so I went to 50 for him. Why not throw as much as I can on a couple of superstars, right? You never know when a bomb’s gonna go off and the draft is going to suddenly come to an end. And then it matters whether I stopped at 48 for Trout? No, if you want someone, you draft them.

I feel so bad for Mike Trout. Reaching the pinnacle of his career — of his life — at such a young age. There is nowhere to go but down. I don’t even know how he gets out of bed in the morning. Nowhere to go but down, Mike. Speaking of nowhere to go, Kyle Lohse. I feel like Kyle Lohse and I have a lot in common. Nobody wants us, not even the Astros. I bid a dollar for him at the end of the auction and got him. We’ll show them, Kyle. We’ll show all of my self-important leaguemates, with their jobs and their families and their breakfasts and lunches and dinners. We don’t need any of that. We have each other.

We also have Bartolo Colon, because you can’t think about starving people around the world without thinking about the guy who ate all of their food. I also went to $3 on A-Rod, but, hey, I can’t really bring myself to draft a guy who’s in even worse shape than I am.

Good luck in your drafts too!