Hopeless Joe Sympathizes With Brian Cashman

Oh, Brian Cashman. It is a shame that your ex-mistress’s lawyer is partners with Alex Rodriguez’s lawyer, and that there’s now a conflict of interest requiring him to reveal that you told your mistress that you knew of steroid use on the Yankees and didn’t care. And about how you misled federal investigators during the Roger Clemens investigation.

It’s just like the time that I, Hopeless Joe, found out that my mistress’s lawyer was sleeping with my mistress, but really she wasn’t my mistress, just a woman I liked but who would never have noticed me, and her lawyer was indeed a lawyer but not really her lawyer, but rather her boyfriend. Because of course she had a boyfriend. And that’s just another reason she would never have noticed me. And then she was single, and still she didn’t notice me. And I passed her ex-boyfriend on the street once and he accidentally spilled coffee on my pants but I was too timid to say anything, and also he looked like he probably took steroids, but really I’m sure he just went to the gym a lot, and everyone looks like they take steroids compared to me, and also I’ve heard of Alex Rodriguez and Roger Clemens and that’s why my situation is very similar.

Or maybe it’s not.

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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.

3 Responses to “Hopeless Joe Sympathizes With Brian Cashman”

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  1. Kyle says:

    Love you, Hopeless Joe.

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  2. Bill says:

    Oh, hopeless Joe. Will you never win?

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