Hopeless Joe’s Home Run Derby Preview

A meaningless competition to precede a meaningless competition. Oh boy, July doesn’t only mean that everything on TV is a rerun, but it also means that for three days, the only baseball we get to watch is even more meaningless than usual.

In this year’s Home Run Derby, I don’t see how you can root for anyone but Pedro Alvarez, especially since last year’s revelations of widespread abuse at his high school, Horace Mann.

Sorry about bringing that up. Way to be a bummer, Hopeless Joe. Let me try that again.

In this year’s Home Run Derby, I don’t see how you can root for anyone but Prince Fielder, given the well-publicized difficulties Fielder has had with his father, with Prince quoted as saying, “my father is dead to me.”

Oops. Got downbeat again. My apologies. Let me try once more.

In this year’s Home Run Derby, I don’t see how you can root for anyone but Yoenis Cespedes, given the struggles he went through last year when his family was arrested as illegal immigrants in the Turks and Caicos Islands while they were trying to join him in the U.S. They were finally released from a detention center this spring.

Wow, it’s hard to keep these things positive. Okay, putting a smile on my face. I’ll make this work.

In this year’s Home Run Derby, I don’t see how you can root for anyone but Robinson Cano, forced to deal with his name appearing on the initial Biogenesis documents, even though no evidence has emerged to link him with the clinic.

Shoot. Starting this over again.

In this year’s Home Run Derby, I don’t see how you can root for anyone but Chris Davis, demoted to minor leagues as recently as 2011, and for years failing to live up to his potential.

Okay, I can do this post happy. I can do it.

In this year’s Home Run Derby, I don’t see how you can root for anyone but David Wright, who for hours in 2007 feared that his brother was killed in the Virginia Tech shootings.

In this year’s Home Run Derby, I don’t see how you can root for anyone but Bryce Harper, who used to have poor vision until he got contact lenses.

In this year’s Home Run Derby, I don’t see how you can root for anyone but Michael Cuddyer, who likes to do charity work.

PREDICTION: Cuddyer and Davis are the final two, and Cuddyer pulls out a victory, donating his winnings to the Pedro Alvarez Prince Fielder Yoenis Cespedes Robinson Cano David Wright Bryce Harper Fund to prevent teachers from abusing students in the Turks and Caicos Islands, stealing their signing bonuses, canceling their eye exams, and making handwritten lists labeled “Steroid Users” with their names on them. Congratulations, Michael Cuddyer.




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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.

4 Responses to “Hopeless Joe’s Home Run Derby Preview”

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  1. JimDMan3 says:

    I predict someone drops down a bunt.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  2. Josh m says:

    Hopeless joe is quickly becoming my favorite notgraphs feature.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  3. HItler But Sadder says:

    I have to pee, I will be back to comment later.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

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