Q: Why should I be patient with Justin Upton in a keeper league?
A: Because he may need all the compassion you can offer. Often times, you don’t know what medical problems may be lurking beneath the surface, undiagnosed, causing significant drops in production without logical explanation. By the time they think to perform the right tests, it could be far too late, and Upton could be well on his way to an early grave. And you wouldn’t want to be the owner who dropped him three weeks before the flesh-eating bacteria consumed him whole. (Unless you’re just that competitive, in which case the stress is likely to bring you down as well.)
Q: Does Profar make an impact in the majors in 2013?
A: Not as big of an impact as the threat of nuclear war in the Middle East, or a continuing recession that leaves the United States a shell of what it once was until deep into the middle of the century. At which point Profar will be long-retired, and hoping for a plaque in what’s left of the Hall of Fame after the bandits sneak in there.
Q: Are you buying the reports that Tulo isn’t coming back this year?
A: I’m not only buying those reports, I wrote those reports. Every time you see anything about a player being lost for the season, that’s my handiwork you’re reading. Or at least the handiwork of my unpaid intern. Which gives me an excuse to announce: Hopeless Joe seeking unpaid interns to collect clippings about the end of the world and read them aloud to young, impressionable children. Hours flexible.
Q: Is Matt Harvey legit enough to burn my #1 waiver wire priority?
A: Be careful when burning your waiver priorities. Far more items in this world are flammable than you may realize. And many smoke detectors don’t give you a signal when their batteries die. Harvey had one good start. Lots of people can have one good start. One good day doesn’t mean a thing. I’m sure even Charles Guiteau had one good day, before he stalked President Garfield on his way to the train station and shot him to death.
Q: If Texas doesn’t acquire a starter by the deadline, who takes that 5th rotation spot? Ogando? Feliz?
A: Either one, perhaps, but more likely a gang of thieves will capture them both on their way to the ballpark and hold them for ransom. The Rangers, of course, will pay whatever is demanded, but it will likely hamstring their efforts to resign Josh Hamilton in the offseason. Not that Hamilton is going to make it to next season. Please, don’t get Hopeless Joe started on Josh Hamilton’s future.
Q: Feeling better about Matt Moore lately?
A: Indeed. I hear his pubic lice have been almost entirely eradicated through the miracles of modern medicine. Hope he remembered to accurately fill out his insurance forms or even his $14 million contract won’t cover the medical bills.
Q: Josh Reddick: not just a platoon bat anymore, right?
A: Nope, he’s also a zombie. Watch out, Coco Crisp, he’s coming to get you.
Q: Are you still high on Hanley, with the move to LA?
A: It’s impossible to get excited about anyone… but especially impossible to get excited about someone moving to Los Angeles, city of smog, traffic, and a stifling heat that could bring any man to the brink. Assuming Hanley can even make it through the gridlock of the 405, the 101, the 10, the 5, and any other death-trap highways they’ve constructed since I lived there, and get to the ballpark before the 6th inning, it’s still likely that the utter indifference of everyone in the stadium will cause Ramirez to become bored to death. Or he’ll just choke on a Dodger Dog.
Q: What can I do with Brandon Belt? I have him for $1 in a NL dynasty league and can’t bring myself to drop him.
A: Does he have any gold fillings? They have some value on the open market. Maybe you could also get something for his ears. I hear there’s a market for ears among the earless space creatures that are heading this way, set to colonize our planet. Or maybe that’s just the Abilify talking.
Q: Is there any argument against having Jordany Valdespin be the every day Mets CF in 2013?
A: What a stupid question. There’s every argument against everything. Valdespin is one poor decision away from being trampled by the bulls in Pamplona or falling into the Grand Canyon. I also hear there’s blood in his stool.
Q: Where do Ryan Roberts AB’s come from when Longoria returns? He seems to be someone they need to find room for in that dead lineup.
A: Sometimes you just make it too easy. Roberts should squeeze in right between Ernest Borgnine and Gerald Ford. Dead lineup? No kidding.
Q: Villanueva or Colon?
A: Given those choices, it’s easy. You get rid of Villanueva and you can still function fairly normally. But I’ve seen people try to live without their Colon, and it isn’t pretty. Good luck.