Hopeless Joe’s Ten Bold Predictions

(Corrected from earlier draft, “Hopeless Joe’s Ten Old Prescriptions.” Apologies for misunderstanding the assignment.)

1. Dan Haren proves to be the Dodgers’ most valuable starter.

When the entire rotation is carved up by a serial killer and sold for parts on the black market.

2. Chris Davis strikes out over 200 times.

Combined results from his in-person attempts and interactions via his profile on Match.com. (Don’t tell his wife.)

3. A member of the Braves’ front office staff is forced to undergo ligament-removal surgery after the team runs out of ligaments to use in Tommy John surgery.

Probably an intern. As a former internship director of mine once said, “interns are only good for their body parts, including their orifices.” (That was one of my best jobs.)

4. The Pirates lead the majors in Twins; the Twins lead the majors in Pirates.

Ahoy, Sam Deduno. And welcome to Pittsburgh, Winklevoss brothers.

5. Alcides Escobar wins his lawsuit against Paul Simon, claiming to be the original writer of Simon’s hit song, “You Can Call Me Al.”

In a related development, Asdrubal Cabrera releases a hit single, “You Can Call Me As.”

6. Stephen Drew signs with the Houston Rockets.

3 years, $45 million. Goes on to lead the league in rebounds.

7. J.P. Arencibia wins the Triple Crown.

Because baseball doesn’t really seem to be working out for him anymore.

8. The world doesn’t end in 2014.

Look, I think that’s bold, given everything we’re doing to this planet. Have you been outside recently? (I haven’t.)

9. Ruben Tejada leads the Mets in runs.

Probably his diet.

10. Jim Leyland rises from the grave and re-takes the Tigers’ managerial position.

What? Jim Leyland is still alive?? That’s impossible. Well, I guess I’ll just save this prediction for next year.

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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.

9 Responses to “Hopeless Joe’s Ten Bold Predictions”

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  1. Glenn says:

    Absolutely brilliant!! Without a doubt, the funniest fantasy baseball article I have ever read….and I’ve read at least 10. Great job Jeremy!

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  2. Sociology Degreer says:

    11. Bud Selig retires.

    Nah, that’s a little too audacious.

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  3. Anal Hershiser says:

    Ahoy, Sam Deduno. Brilliant sir.

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  4. Jenstrom says:

    “You can call me As” and Stephen Drew to the Rockets made me chuckle.

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  5. AynRand'ssocialsecurity# says:

    My predictions:
    The re-animated corpse of the Red Baron tries to talk the Seattle Mariners into being his naval forces in an attempted at world domination. Only to be disappointed to find that they’re actually a baseball team and the self storage unit he’s been using as a base of operations is 3 months past due on rent.

    That and the Astros lose 100 or more games.

    One of the two.

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  6. Stuck in a Slump says:

    I think that the Braves maybe secretly hoping #1 comes true to help resupply their pitchers ligaments. After all, word is going to get out about their ligament harvesting scheme and their intern pool begins to dwindle.

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  7. John Elway says:

    Hay, if Arencibia breaks a leg, could a Toronto fan have the privilege of putting him down?

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  8. Jenstrom says:

    11. The Astros lose 120 games instead of losing just 100.

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