Hot Stove Rumors: Trojans, Greeks in Talks about Hector-Achilles Megatrade


Also among the storylines this offseason: lobbying for better groin protection.

TROY — As another rosy-fingered dawn broke over the walled city on Tuesday, the Aegean League’s winter meetings suddenly ramped up the intrigue, with new rumors swirling over a potential “trade of the century” involving the league’s two biggest sluggers. Hector and Achilles are both coming off career years, with the former having rewritten the record books by personally slaughtering 31,000 Greek warriors, while his counterpart achieved the unprecedented feat of challenging and defeating the river-god Skamandros. The two men have spent the last four seasons trading off the league’s MVP award, and are widely expected to finish one-two in this year’s voting yet again.

It’s not hard to come up with reasons why a trade such as this would benefit both parties. Though the talent level in the Greek dugout is unmatched, leadership issues and other off-the-field distractions derailed their chances at a title this season. Adding a respected player like Hector to the mix — a stabilizing presence in the clubhouse, as well as a steady producer at the plate — might provide the crucial missing ingredient for a championship run next year. On the other hand, Hector’s performance in the clutch has been called into question at times, and the “tamer of horses” is entering the latter stages of his career; as the Greeks are surely aware, the aging curves are not kind to a warrior of his profile. Whether they might attempt to transition Hector into a less physically taxing position is unclear.

Meanwhile, with the unexpected loss of Sarpedon, the Trojans now face a power shortage that could thwart their defense of the league crown. Despite Achilles’ streaky performance and often difficult personality, his sword would provide an instant boost to the Trojan offense — and Trojan management is no doubt banking on the troubled Myrmidon’s ability to thrive in the more structured environment behind their own walls. Achilles is just entering his physical prime, and since the death of Patroclus has been playing like a man possessed. The main caveat that Troy will be weighing, of course, is his balky foot, which could prove a liability if opponents learn to target it.

The well-known mutual animosity between the two teams, who have been wrestling for control of the Aegean for the better part of the past decade, would only add to the drama surrounding such a deal. Would Hector be able to handle the 24-7 scrutiny of the media circus in Mycenae? Would Achilles wilt under the sky-high expectations that would surely be placed on his shoulders in an environment like Troy? Would both men be able to set aside years of resentment in order to don each other’s uniform?

According to sources, the two sides are currently at loggerheads over the details of the trade, with the Greeks holding out for a prospect or two to sweeten the deal; among the names that have been floated is that of the young speedster Polydorus. It’s also worth noting that Achilles’ agent, the bright-eyed goddess Athena, is famously protective of her clients and may be pushing for contractual modifications. Meanwhile, one insider speculates that talks may break down over the two teams’ reluctance to share information, with divine prophecies proving to be a crucial sticking point. In any case, this is far from a done deal — but rest assured that we, and the rest of the Bronze Age world, will be following it with bated breath.

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33 Responses to “Hot Stove Rumors: Trojans, Greeks in Talks about Hector-Achilles Megatrade”

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  1. With this post, your position at NotGraphs is officially secure forever, MMS.

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    • Big Jgke says:

      Now all I can think about is what Odysseus’ WAR would be.

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      • Michael says:

        I think that wold have to be KAR, Kills above Replacement. Leadership and tactical abilities have to be accounted for, it’s not all about how many you personally kill, but how you help kill the others too!

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  2. cass says:

    One of the greatest NotGraphs posts ever. Excellent caption to boot.

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  3. Jon Daniels says:

    I feel like this was a salary dump by Agamemnon. Too much of an injury risk.

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  4. Steven says:

    So you’re saying I should major in history?

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  5. Bluebird in Boulder says:

    Hector could barely best Ajax the greater. The Trojans would have to throw in a general to be named later and a solid prospect, perhaps Astyanax, to even things up.

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    • cass says:

      You’re underestimating Achilles’ off-the-field issues. And if he’s off the field, he’s not going to provide any WAR to the Greek side. Better to let the Trojans deal with that headache. Hector is dependable and proven. Not a head case. This is a good trade for the Greeks. I really think the Diomedes-Hector-Ajax tandem will be unstoppable.

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      • ettin says:

        You also forget Achilles dugout antics. Case in point was his recent eyeing of several lasses in the crowd during an actual game. He was distracted from his responsibilities which caused his teammates great ire. It was even rumored that he pressed his mouth up against a large mirror in the team tent after the game.

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  6. Iron says:

    A cagey move like this had to have come from moneyball genius Nestor.

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    • cass says:

      No way. Nestor doesn’t rely on this new statistical nonsense. Back in his day, the only statistic people cared about was Enemies Struck Down and if ESD was good enough for those warriors (much better than the current crop), then it’s good enough now.

      Character. Moxie. Gritty grinders. That’s how you build an army. I’m pretty sure Nestor would like to sign Jeff Francoeur.

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      • Iron says:

        You need to learn your history my friend. Nestor revolutionized OPS+ (Opponents Partially Stabbed) and was an early adopter of AIM (Armor Independent Mauling).

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  7. Jaack says:

    The Trojans should really follow Laocoon’s advice, “Equō nē crēdite, Teucrī! Quidquid id est, timeō Danaōs et dōna ferentīs.”

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    • Euruproktos says:

      It should be noted that neither the Trojans nor the rest of the Bronze Age players for that matter can understand a damn thing that Virgil writes.

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  8. Damaso's Burnt Shirt says:

    I’d do this trade except I have doubts about Achilles’s heel.

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  9. PED Evidence says:

    Pretty clear that PED usage has led to genital shrinkage for both of these great warriors. Would love to see a photo comparison to when they first broke into the league.

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  10. Big Jgke says:

    This is so excellent that I don’t really have the words to properly register my feelings. Bravo, MMS.

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  11. Marcus Tullius Cicero says:

    Achilles, Hector, AND my own language in the comments??? The apotheosis of NotGraphs.

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  12. Gallienus says:

    I swear if this trade happens, I am done with the Trojans. Achilles is a pampered crybaby who will cripple the city’s financial flexibility. If this goes through, I bet you anything they won’t resign Aeneas when he comes up for free agency, leading him to become the face of a new franchise…

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  13. AC of DC says:

    I’d like to get more worked up about this trade, but even though I know that each guy is right around his peak . . . I’m no Oracle, but I just get the sense that neither one has a lot of seasons left.

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  14. Mike Francesa says:

    Hectah would nevah be able to handle the Roman media. He’s just not a guy who can handle da biggest mahket in da pre-spherical world.

    As fah Achillies, he’d never get the line-up support he needs in combat from da Greeks. Armies would battle around him!

    This here trade is so uhhtaly radiculas, it’s cahmical!

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  15. Mike Francesa Caller says:

    Lenny from Bayside you’re on the Fan:

    “Ey Mike, I think you have it mixed up. Achilles is from Greece. Hector is the Roman. Did you diet coke get spiked over there in the Vatican, what’s up? I mean, you’ve been doing this for 25 years, I expect better.”

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  16. Non radio-listener says:

    Troy was in Turkey and predates the foundation of Rome by longer than whites have been in North America.

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  17. Emperor Pupienus says:

    The Aegean League is all offense now. Just once I’d like to see the Trojans develop some young arms and the man.

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  18. reillocity says:

    Pythagoras would really like to see this trade made, as he projects that the Greeks would gain an extra 3 Jamesean wins next season.

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  19. JiminNC says:

    This is nonsense. I wouldn’t even do Hector for Ajax straight. Ajax was totally winning the duel in Iliad 7 when night came.

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    • cass says:

      You’re looking at this the wrong way. It’s addition by subtraction. Dumping Achilles contract and the constant distractions that come with him being on the team is a win-win.

      The Trojans will have both Paris and Achilles on their side after this trade. That’s going to be a clubhouse disaster. Huge win for the Greeks here.

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  20. Ben says:

    Paris is famously the one pitcher in the league who seems to have found Achilles’ weak spot. One would think it would do wonders for Achilles’ mental well-being not to worry about facing the famous Trojan beauty.

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