Houston Astros Fined by Major League Baseball

St. Louis, MO – The entire roster of the Houston Astros was fined Thursday by the Commissioner’s Office of Major League Baseball for what are being described as “actions detrimental to the team.” Details of the fine, including the actual amount and how it would be dispersed, were not disclosed.

Warnings had already been passed down to the Astros this season, after the team was caught performing lewd acts on the baseball field in August, but this is the first time an actual fine was put in place. This is also the first reported case of an entire team being levied a fine by Major League Baseball.

“We need to send a message that behavior like this will not be tolerated,” said Commissioner Bud Selig during a conference call with reporters regarding the incident. “We need to be firm in our stance that such actions are unacceptable and reflect negatively on the club, the fans, and all of Major League Baseball.”

“This is obviously very disappointing,” said Astros General Manager Jeff Luhnow through a veil of tears. “While we disagree with the punishment, we want people to know that we meant no disrespect by our actions on the field.”

Luhnow continued on, but his words were not distinguishable, as he was speaking directly into the mouth of a bottle of Jack Daniel’s whiskey.

Interim Manager Tony DeFrancesco chose not to speak with reporters, opting instead to bellow a laugh/cry hybrid in his office behind a locked door.

Team sources say that the Astros will appeal the ruling. Failing that, they will request that they be allowed to pay the fine in Altuves.




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David G. Temple is the Managing Editor of TechGraphs and a contributor to FanGraphs, NotGraphs and The Hardball Times. He hosts the award-eligible podcast Stealing Home. Dayn Perry once called him a "Bible Made of Lasers." Follow him on Twitter @davidgtemple.


8 Responses to “Houston Astros Fined by Major League Baseball”

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  1. Emily says:

    Oh no. This hurts to watch.

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  2. dp says:

    Contrasted to the 2012 Mets, who defecated in public and then laid down and took a nap on a freight track last night, the Astros are model citizens. Their putrid play is endearing and almost charismatic.

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  3. Eminor3rd says:

    At the end of the season, can someone please compile a “Best of” 2012 Astros gif collection?

    +11 Vote -1 Vote +1

  4. Jack says:

    An Astros spokesperson said: “We strongly disagree with the punishment. We believe that the play in question fully lives up to the standards of the Astros organization.”

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  5. Damon says:

    Read this as “Houston Astros fired by Major League Baseball.” Works both ways, I suppose.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

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