How to Defeat the Detroit Tigers

Milwaukee’s Brewers once shared a league with the Tigers of Detroit. They don’t any more, but sometimes, under cover of night, they still play each other in the darkened streets of the American Midwest. Third-generation Poles part their bungalow curtains and watch, and they smell bad as they watch.

Across all such contests, whether sanctioned or questionable, the Brewers are 1,005-0 against the Tigers. To what is their rousing success against the Jungle Cats O’ Michy-Gan owing? Crippling alcoholism.

Witness this revealing pen-and-ink dispatch:

Drunken louts

The Tigers, miserable sots one and all, are unable to resist the foggy inveiglements of the tipple. “Firewater, as fresh as it is cold? The promise of a teeming pour? We are stinking with foretaste!” The Tigers say in benumbed unison. “On this day, death to all other toil!”

Then they get drunk and lurch around those Michigan towns named after dead Anglicans and boot in mullioned windowpanes in a red-eyed search for copulus — a search they’d dare not abate even if they had the will, which they do not, on account of their intemperance.

The villagers are left ensnared in that very moment when they can’t tell whether the hoof-beats are approaching, or passing them by.




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Handsome Dayn Perry can be found making love to the reader at CBSSports.com's Eye on Baseball. He is available for all your Twitter needs.


14 Responses to “How to Defeat the Detroit Tigers”

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  1. Dave Barker says:

    I had a case of the inveiglements on my tipple once. You talk about firewater…

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  2. Everybody Clap Your Hands says:

    It should be noted that this occurred after the game. It was an interpretive dance-off between the Tigers and themselves. Brandon Inge somehow sneaked back to the dance-off and is seen in the far right winning the competition by default.

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  3. blasphemy…you will be beaten with a bag of sausages by thieves in the middle if the night.

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  4. Can this goddamn weirdo prose his ass off, or what?

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    • Resolution says:

      tell you what – if this weirdo prosed his ass off it would be recounted in a Notgraphs post encrypted in only the finest prose.

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  5. Shrewd Cat says:

    Why is the spout of the barrel in the groinal area?

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    • Resolution says:

      Because this drawing hails from an era in which the Patriarch was a right and not just a discretionary and consensual occurrence… or just you know, that’s where the tap tends to be on fully-anthropomorphized kegs…

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  6. Nathan says:

    How to Defeat the Detroit Tigers
    – Play them in the World Series
    – Get their bullpen in the game
    – Have Alexi Ogando on your team
    – Be the Royals late in the regular season
    – Start Carl Pavano every game

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  7. Youthful Enthusiast says:

    That keg may very well be the illegitimate father of the anthropomorphized Kool-Aid pitcher. Would go a long way to explaining the Kool-Aid pitcher’s propensity for breaking through walls into random living and dining rooms.

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  8. Miguel Cabrera says:

    Did someone say there’s a keg?

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