How to Improve the All-Star Game

Tell me what your interests are, who you be with.

Search diligently the internet, your local library’s microfilm collection, et cetera, and you’ll invariably find a glaring omission in the annals of sportswriting, reader — namely, any conversation whatsoever of the All-Star game and how it might be improved.

I mean, it’s kinda weird, right? Because it seems like sportswriters — with a pressing need to provide copy and a dearth of noteworthy events at the All-Star break — it seems like the idea of how to improve this obviously flawed venture would’ve come up at least once. And yet, as I say, there is literally no trace of any relevant commentary on the subject.

So it is, reader, in a move unprecedented in the genre, I submit here for the readership’s consideration ten (10) ideas that would very likely make the All-Star game better.


Vintage Jerseys
Players wear great uniforms from baseball history.

Vintage Mustaches
Players wear great mustaches from baseball history.

Increasingly Hyperbolic Home Run Calls
This is me just shooting from the hip, but what if — during the Home Run Derby — what if the broadcaster made his home-run calls increasingly hyperbolic? Like, first he’d be like, “And that one’s gonna end up on I-10,” and then he’d be like, “Uh-oh. That one’s going all the way to Scottsdale!” and so on. Again, just spitballin.

Allow Carson Cistulli to Entertain Players’ Wives
These Bellinis aren’t gonna drink themselves… ladies.

Replace Brian McCann’s Trademark Glasses with Beer Goggles
Am I right, men aged 18-34???

Topless Mike Trout
I kinda do wanna know the way to the beach, now that you mention it.

Sportswriting Competition
Each writer has 15 minutes to write a game recap that finds significance in things the normal person would’ve otherwise overlooked. Contest begins with announcement from Bud Selig, “Gentlemen, torture your prose!”

Dave Cameron in the Broadcast Booth
What’s the over/under (in terms of minutes) on Joe Buck violently attacking our Full-Time Employee?

Borrow Liberally from “Test Cricket” Format
Five days. Tea breaks. You fill in the blanks.

Lions on the Field
When in Rome!

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Carson Cistulli has just published a book of aphorisms called Spirited Ejaculations of a New Enthusiast.

10 Responses to “How to Improve the All-Star Game”

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  1. teenarcher says:

    Things that make you smile, what numbers to dial…

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  2. juan pierre's mustache says:

    honestly, if they would just show ichiro’s speech in the locker room id be willing to watch the entire rest of the weekend (and i mean everything)

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  3. Michael says:

    Sadly he retired that either last year or the one before, I don’t remember which one. Must be the f$&@#n’ National League’s fault.

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  4. Fred Finkel says:

    Speaking of Joe Buck why in the wide world of sports does it sound like he has shit in his throat all of the time now?

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  5. Resolution says:

    Careful Carson, you may become the proverbial Icarus if you end up being charged with taking care of the players’ kids – who tend to run amok at such an event…

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  6. williams .482 says:

    +1 to the Dave Cameron in the broadcast booth Idea. that NEEDS to be done.

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  7. My echo and bunnymen (Dodgers Fan) says:

    “Five days. Tea breaks. You fill in the blanks.”

    Good show.

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