How to Properly Celebrate Your Accomplishments


I’m tired of liking things, and watching other people who like things do those things they like, which is why I was really happy (and then immediately annoyed that I was happy) to read CBS Sports’ Gregg Doyle’s article on why he’s tired of baseball players pouring champagne all over themselves in celebration of winning a thing:

“It takes a lot of planning to make this spontaneous celebration go off just right.

And the players, they do it. They think it’s great. Why do they think it’s great? Because they’re not much on thinking. They’re fully grown kids, is what they are, and they celebrate like children by doing the same thing everyone else has always done. Why? Because everyone else has always done it.”

When my son graduated from kindergarten, we sprayed him with Orange Shasta and I dumped Gatorade over his mother, so I understand where Doyle is coming from. That’s kids stuff (and also a reason why your wife makes you sleep in the garage for a week). Baseball players are supposed to be men.

Men aren’t supposed to have fun and behave like children. We don’t want them to show enthusiasm or “play like a little kid out there.” Because, trust me, I have seen my son’s T-ball games. And I have watched episodes of ABC’s Back in the Game. The dirty little secret the liberals don’t want you to know is that little kids suck at baseball.

It’s not enough to have fun. Your fun needs to cause others to also have fun. And how can they have fun when all they’re seeing is you acting like rowdy pint-sized hooligans? It’s so predictable. So boring.  Take it from Gregg and me. We’re writers, and, as society’s elite, are therefore responsible for telling you the best way for you to enjoy your fun so as not to humiliate yourself and cause people like us to feel bored and uncomfortable. Because if we’re forced to feel bored and uncomfortable, we may be forced to confront difficult truths about ourselves, like “why can’t we enjoy things and have real emotions like normal people?” Nobody wants that.

So, with just a little self-control, discipline, and maturity, we can turn the next clubhouse celebration from this:

 Tigers Celebration

into this:


That’s what men, men who aren’t playing a child’s game, do. I think just about everybody can agree it’s better this way. Well, almost everybody:


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Mike Bates used to have a stupid pseudonym. Now he doesn't because people want to pay him to write about baseball on the Internet and he's really a sell out that way. He is also a Designated Columnist at SBNation, co-founder of The Platoon Advantage, and is an American Carpetbagger on Getting Blanked, the finest in Canadian baseball-type sites. His favorite word is paradigm. Follow him on Twitter here:

9 Responses to “How to Properly Celebrate Your Accomplishments”

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  1. Ceetar says:

    Get off my finely manicured lawn!

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  2. AC of DC says:

    Back in my day, men celebrated baseball achievements with miles of cocaine and conga-lines of callgirls — none of this childish champagne-goggles crap. Incidentally, hard drugs and working girls were the indulgences brought out to celebrate accomplishments in my childhood, too. We were all manlier back then, except the girls.

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  3. Steve says:

    While I am generally a proponent of fun, and I’m not going to tell others how to act, I do personally find the whole champagne thing stupid.

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  4. That would be one hell of a (well behaved) team.

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  5. Kate Angell says:

    Max Scherzer wears a cravat around his thick neck; he holds a tumbler of scotch at cock level and handsomely stares across the room. He has mischief in mind, but he’ll wait until Miggy goes home before giving it to Verlander.

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  6. Utah Dave says:

    As a Pirates fan I was kind of surprised when they celebrated with champagne after beating the Reds in the wild card game. Is that really celebration worthy? What about cleaning the carpet?

    Also, why is there not a progressive increase in the magnitude of the celebration? If you win your division you have Orange Shasta. If you win the wild card you have sparkling cider. If you win the LDS you have beer. If you win the LCS you have champagne. If you win the World Series you use 30 year old scotch…like Miggy.

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  7. keysersoze says:

    funny…like to see Bob Gibson in there kicking Keith Olbermanns’s butt

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  8. Maverick Squad says:

    Who’s the player with the great rack?

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  9. Bartolo Colon says:

    Not me, despite the boobs. I wouldn’t be caught dead in red.

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