How to Properly Celebrate Your Accomplishments

I’m tired of liking things, and watching other people who like things do those things they like, which is why I was really happy (and then immediately annoyed that I was happy) to read CBS Sports’ Gregg Doyle’s article on why he’s tired of baseball players pouring champagne all over themselves in celebration of winning a thing:

“It takes a lot of planning to make this spontaneous celebration go off just right.

And the players, they do it. They think it’s great. Why do they think it’s great? Because they’re not much on thinking. They’re fully grown kids, is what they are, and they celebrate like children by doing the same thing everyone else has always done. Why? Because everyone else has always done it.”

When my son graduated from kindergarten, we sprayed him with Orange Shasta and I dumped Gatorade over his mother, so I understand where Doyle is coming from. That’s kids stuff (and also a reason why your wife makes you sleep in the garage for a week). Baseball players are supposed to be men.

Men aren’t supposed to have fun and behave like children. We don’t want them to show enthusiasm or “play like a little kid out there.” Because, trust me, I have seen my son’s T-ball games. And I have watched episodes of ABC’s Back in the Game. The dirty little secret the liberals don’t want you to know is that little kids suck at baseball.

It’s not enough to have fun. Your fun needs to cause others to also have fun. And how can they have fun when all they’re seeing is you acting like rowdy pint-sized hooligans? It’s so predictable. So boring.  Take it from Gregg and me. We’re writers, and, as society’s elite, are therefore responsible for telling you the best way for you to enjoy your fun so as not to humiliate yourself and cause people like us to feel bored and uncomfortable. Because if we’re forced to feel bored and uncomfortable, we may be forced to confront difficult truths about ourselves, like “why can’t we enjoy things and have real emotions like normal people?” Nobody wants that.

So, with just a little self-control, discipline, and maturity, we can turn the next clubhouse celebration from this:

 

into this:

That’s what men, men who aren’t playing a child’s game, do. I think just about everybody can agree it’s better this way. Well, almost everybody: