If Mike Trout Had Won

 

If Mike Trout Had Won the AL MVP last night, I would have woken up this morning about 11 minutes later than usual. I would have tried to take a quicker-than-normal shower, and failed. I would have put on a pair of brown, almost houndstooth pants with hints of navy blue. My shirt would have been navy as well, with red and white checks. My socks, shoes, and belt would also have been brown. I would have put a dab of gel in my hair, the kind specifically for curly-haired gentleman.

I would have kissed my dogs and wife goodbye (in that order), put on my pea coat, grabbed my small satchel, and headed out the door for my bus stop. About a half a block shy of my stop, I would have seen the 7 bus drive away. I would have sighed, faced east, and strolled to the stop for the 19 bus, which drops off farther away from my office. I would have arrived at work exactly at 7 a.m.

I would have spent the day solving problems for whiny computer-illiterates, stopping to drink coffee, eat a granola bar, and talk to my friend on Skype chat. I would’ve rolled my eyes at all my coworkers who would exclaim “Happy Friday!” to each other. I would have wondered how sad their lives must have been if they were all literally working for the weekend. I would have utilized a remote connection to a computer at my home to read articles on sites blocked by my stupid employer. I would have also searched for new jobs using the same remote connection. I would have thought of the crappy Saturday I had planned, one full of cleaning up the yard and picking up dog droppings, in preparation for the blanket of winter that was certain to come. After an underwhelming lunch, I would have finished writing an article about what my day would have been like had Miguel Cabrera won the AL MVP. In that article, it would have mentioned how if Miguel Cabrera had won the AL MVP last night, , I would have woken up this morning about 11 minutes later than usual. I would have tried to take a quicker-than-normal shower, and failed. I would have put on a pair of brown, almost houndstooth pants with hints of navy blue. My shirt would have been navy as well, with red and white checks. My socks, shoes, and belt would also have been brown. I would have put a dab of gel in my hair, the kind specifically for curly-haired gentleman.

I would have kissed my dogs and wife goodbye (in that order), put on my pea coat, grabbed my small satchel, and headed out the door for my bus stop. About a half a block shy of my stop, I would have seen the 7 bus drive away. I would have sighed, faced east, and strolled to the stop for the 19 bus, which drops off farther away from my office. I would have arrived at work exactly at 7 a.m.

I would have spent the day solving problems for whiny computer-illiterates, stopping to drink coffee, eat a granola bar, and talk to my friend on Skype chat. I would’ve rolled my eyes at all my coworkers who would exclaim “Happy Friday!” to each other. I would have wondered how sad their lives must have been if they were all literally working for the weekend. I would have utilized a remote connection to a computer at my home to read articles on sites blocked by my stupid employer. I would have also searched for new jobs using the same remote connection. I would have thought of the crappy Saturday I had planned, one full of cleaning up the yard and picking up dog droppings, in preparation for the blanket of winter that was certain to come. After an underwhelming lunch, I would have finished writing an article about what my day would have been like had Mike Trout had won the AL MVP. In that article, it would have mentioned how if Mike Trout had won the AL MVP last night, , I would have woken up this morning about 11 minutes later than usual. I would have tried to take a quicker-than-normal shower, and failed. I would have put on a pair of brown, almost houndstooth pants with hints of navy blue. My shirt would have been navy as well, with red and white checks. My socks, shoes, and belt would also have been brown. I would have put a dab of gel in my hair, the kind specifically for curly-haired gentleman.

I would have kissed my dogs and wife goodbye (in that order), put on my pea coat, grabbed my small satchel, and headed out the door for my bus stop. About a half a block shy of my stop, I would have seen the 7 bus drive away. I would have sighed, faced east, and strolled to the stop for the 19 bus, which drops off farther away from my office. I would have arrived at work exactly at 7 a.m.

I would have spent the day solving problems for whiny computer-illiterates, stopping to drink coffee, eat a granola bar, and talk to my friend on Skype chat. I would’ve rolled my eyes at all my coworkers who would exclaim “Happy Friday!” to each other. I would have wondered how sad their lives must have been if they were all literally working for the weekend. I would have utilized a remote connection to a computer at my home to read articles on sites blocked by my stupid employer. I would have also searched for new jobs using the same remote connection. I would have thought of the crappy Saturday I had planned, one full of cleaning up the yard and picking up dog droppings, in preparation for the blanket of winter that was certain to come. After an underwhelming lunch, I would have finished writing an article about what my day would have been like had Miguel Cabrera won the AL MVP.

Life is a cycle of disappointment. Have a good weekend, everyone.

 




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David G. Temple is a systems analyst who writes for FanGraphs, NotGraphs and The Hardball Times. He hosts the award-eligible podcast Stealing Home. He has contributed to The Classical and The Platoon Advantage. Dayn Perry once called him a "Bible Made of Lasers." Follow him on Twitter @davidgtemple.

5 Responses to “If Mike Trout Had Won”

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  1. AJ says:

    Darn, I would have thought all the raging saber nerds would be rioting about now.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  2. TRob says:

    Your employer blocks some content but leaves it open enough to remote to your home PC? Interesting…

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    • TRob says:

      Anyway, I should say I’m glad mine doesn’t block anything because I remote to my home PC and play OOTP Baseball all the time…

      Vote -1 Vote +1

  3. DodgersKingsoftheGalaxy says:

    Hmmm, you never know, change one variable and maybe you get run over by a bus?

    Vote -1 Vote +1

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