Ike Davis Can’t Do Any Worse

NEW YORK — Ike Davis, who recently claimed he “can’t do any worse,” did worse last night, as he went 0-6 with 9 strikeouts and 21 strikeout-assists, where he ran up to the plate and literally grabbed the bat from his teammates’ hands. Said Lucas Duda, “that was not cool, Ike.” Said Ruben Tejada, “whatever, I was going to get myself out anyway.” Davis also made 19 errors in the game, including twice getting confused about how many outs there were, and walking off the field while the ball was still in play.

In the bottom of the 4th inning, Davis walked over to second base and broke Daniel Murphy’s arm, further hampering the team’s attempt to win the game. In the top of the 8th, Davis spit on three umpires, but, unfortunately for the team, was not ejected from the game. In fact, the umpires ruled that he should be forced to play, as that would be worse punishment for the Mets. Before the game, Davis quietly informed Dillon Gee, the night’s starting pitcher, that his entire family had been killed in a bear attack. This distracted Gee and led to him giving up 16 runs in just a third of an inning. Actually, it was 6 runs, but Davis reprogrammed the scoreboard to give the Mets’ opponents a 10-run head start.

After the Mets’ loss, Davis inadvertently added a powdered laxative to the food in the post-game spread, which will hamper the team’s attempt to stem the losing streak tomorrow. He also switched the lineup card with a joke version that places 4 members of the starting rotation in the infield, and invited a twelve-year-old fan to play catcher. Davis was found clumsily corking David Wright’s bat and tainting Matt Harvey’s urine for Harvey’s routine drug test. He also pretended to be Sandy Alderson and traded Zach Wheeler for a bucket of Dippin’ Dots, which he neglected to place in the freezer.

So when Ike Davis says he can’t do any worse…

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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.

14 Responses to “Ike Davis Can’t Do Any Worse”

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  1. Well-Beered Englishman says:

    Excellent added dose of perspective.

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  2. Maggie says:

    PSA: Do not read this while drinking water, because you will spit that water all over your keyboard and that’s a big pain to deal with. But outside of that, epic win.

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  3. Roy White says:

    This is hilarious.

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  4. James K. says:

    So good I read it twice, once with a penis in my mouth.

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  5. JuanPierreDoesSteroids says:

    This was great.

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  6. AC of DC says:

    I appreciate Tejada’s honesty.

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  7. Neil says:

    I’ve been married for a year and this is the first time in many tries I’ve gotten my wife to laugh out loud by reading her NotGraphs.

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  8. tz says:

    You had me at Ike Davis….

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  9. Spencer00 says:

    I look like a seal on crack right now. Too funny!

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