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Imperialist Teddy Roosevelt Finally Wins

Amid the the wild conclusion of the 2012 MLB regular season, you — dear reader — will be forgiven for having not noticed an equally important race, that of the quite dead, large-headed presidents of these United States (those United States for foreign readers).

Yes, ol’ train-lassoing Teddy Roosevelt, who charged the San Juan hill, who earned the presidency via assissination, who got his mug carved into a mountain and who liberated the Cubans and Filipinos from the dangers of freedom finally got his due:

Well done done Teddy. Maybe someday you can win without the help of the Philly Frenetic.

The bitter tone of this piece was brought to you by John Sayles’ epic Spanish War novel A Moment in the Sun. Read it and then watch as your already unimpressive opinions of 1800s America sink to even more crushing lows.

SIDE NOTE: Yo, check it out. Listen to how Teddy sounded.

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People talked differently, right? They also used bigger words — presumably because they had no intent of speaking to the lower class persons.