It is established fact that Mr. Redlegs is the greatest mascot in baseball. This is established fact in large part because Mr. Redlegs looks like he brawls on riverboats. It is fitting, then, that the disembodied ball-head of Mr. Redlegs has been rendered in the timeless artistic medium of wholesome frosting:

Some things you should know about this cake:

- Lordly reader Bryan passed this along. I assume he baked, photographed and ate the cake pictured.
- Hot Lips had a birthday.
- The countertop appears to be formica.
- Surely, at some point, Pete Rose made love to Loretta Swit.

Look: A cake made to resemble one of the Brewers’ racing sausages!

On the other hand, the cake is plainly crafted as an homage to Guido, the Italian racing sausage. The problem is that Guido wears no. 3. The faux Guido made out of stupid buttercream frosting is wearing no. 1.

So nice try, “Noah.” Or should I say, “Al Qaeda.”

If there’s one thing we take very seriously  at NotGraphs, it’s bringing to your attention baked delights that are baseball-related. So, look at it. Look at that frigging baseball glove made of cupcakes. Isn’t it amazing? At first, I wasn’t even sure what to say about it. Upon feasting — pun intended — my eyes on it, I was rendered speechless. I may or may not have reached out with my right hand and touched the screen of my laptop; touched the baseball glove made of cupcakes.

(I did.)

But, really, what is there to say? It’s beautiful. It’s freedom. And surely delicious. I may or may not have dreamed of eating it last night.

(I did. And Kevin Mench. Not eating Kevin Mench, you sick bastard. I dreamed about eating the cake, and then, later on, I ran into Kevin Mench. I made sure that he knew I’ll never forgive him for breaking Roy Halladay’s leg in 2005. Strange dream, I know. Very strange. But I guess it’s about that time of year — Januarys in Canada make you question your life choices — when I begin to dream of mediocre baseball players.)

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times, and I’ll say it again: I’m hungry. They’ve thought of everything.

Cupcake glove tap to this Tumblr account.

Benjamin Disraeli said that “Conservatism discards Prescription, shrinks from Principle, disavows Progress; having rejected all respect for antiquity, it offers no redress for the present, and makes no preparation for the future.”  Golly, he makes being conservative seem like absolutely no fun.  Wouldn’t you rather greet the future with optimism and wild-eyed hope, the better to be prepared for the non-stop techno dance party that your life is destined to become?

Take this intrepid soul, who has chosen to prepare for the inevitable rise of the Astros:

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The Internet teaches us that A’s catcher Kurt Suzuki is attempting to gain weight this offseason by shoving down his gullet at least 4,000 calories each day. As Aaron pithily notes, Suzuki is being a crashing bore about the whole thing by choking down things like smoothies and turkey burgers. Clearly, Mr. Suzuki, in his bid to become larger and more in charger, needs some help.

So, in the interest of making Mr. Suzuki a more compelling Leisured Gentleman, we present these alternative routes to consuming four score and 3,920 calories in a day:

• - 34.5 Bud Light Limes (Bud Lights Lime?).
• - 61.5 shots of vodka.
• - Unlimited portions of intravenously applied Angel Dust/PCP, which might also help the hoisting gentleman in the gymnasium.
• - 2.2 pounds of deboned human flesh. To this end, some helpful Internet hotlinks!
• - By extension and in the service of a logical end-game, 2.2 pounds of deboned Nancy Grace cutlets.
• - 133.3 ladles-full of Old Country Buffet’s rabies-free chicken gravy.
• - 1.6 cans of snuff tobacco.
• - 33.3 tablespoons of motor oil vinaigrette.

So, Mr. Suzuki, as you can see there’s really no cause to soldier on with banalities like “vegetables” and “meats not likely to lead to a CDC-declared Hot Zone encircling the blast field.”

Some marriages are built on passion and excitement. Some are built on a deep sense of trust and friendship.  Some are built on one spouse completely ignoring the feelings of the other.

For instance, perhaps Hall of Fame Manager Bucky Harris should have run his plan for the wedding cake past his blushing bride, Miss Elisabeth Sullivan, some time before their Autumn 1926 wedding attended by President Calvin Coolidge and The Big Train, Walter Johnson:

Then the newly minted Mrs. Harris would not have to try (and fail) to hide her complete and total disgust with her husband in front of the President and The Greatest Pitcher Who Ever Lived.  If there is one comfort to be taken from this picture, it is that Silent Cal appreciated a good glare, and offered to make her Secretary of the Navy.

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While it seems odd to make a baked good in commemoration of a ceremonial first pitch, I’m forced to assume that’s what this is …

The civilian’s pants, the nervously clinched legs, the ill-fitting jersey, the forced smile, the scarcely prehensile way in which he clamps the ball — what about this doesn’t bellow “the instant before a ceremonial first pitch”? Given the gentleman’s palpable distress, it is certain that a humiliating short-hop in front of thousands soon followed. This cake, then, serves but one purpose: to remind him that he is now and forevermore something less than what we think of when we think of a man.

This has been your Daguerreotype of the Evening.

Yes, I too wonder where the hot dogs are.

Let’s see if we can answer your questions right out of the gate.

Yes, there is a site dedicated to making logos with food. Yes, that is an Oakland A’s logo made of relish and mustard. Yes, it’s both brilliant and useless. No, it isn’t plausible to ask anyone with any taste (cultural or epicurean) to eat a mustard and ketchup Pee-Wee Herman. Yes, the deconstructed red pepper of a Texas Rangers logo looks both disgusting and delicious, depending on how hungry you are and how much you like the Rangers. No, I do not want any pureed chicken salad, portobello mushroom and pepper Jason Voorhees. No, I do not know what the artist’s goals are. Yes, I also hope he really likes food that looks nigh inedible.

Hopefully that answers all your questions because thus concludes your lesson on the daguerreotype of the day.

It turns out that your Daguerreotype of the Evening fits in nicely with one of the most cherished and august of NotGraphs categories. Please regard …

As you can see, this delicious baked good features Rangers frowning supreme exchequer Nolan Ryan in his younger, less jowly days. He is behorsed. He is cocksure. He twice walked more than 200 batters in a season.

The Appreciator will also appreciate that there are plastic horses on the cake. This is a flourish that can rightly be called “delightful.” There are also healthy examples of high-plains flora on the cake. This is flourish that can rightly be called “verisimilitudinous.”

Here at NotGraphs, our fondness for base-and-ball-themed cakes is what all the kids are talking about. So tonight it is with enthusiasm that is at once half-bridled and half-unbridled that the writer presents your Daguerreotype of the Evening …

As you can plainly see, the above cake recreates some randy grabbing on the part of Mr. Rodriguez — a sequence of decisions and violations known among the moneyed and genteel as, “The Presumptuous Cad and His Discontents.”

(Unsolicited fondling: Sports Pickle)