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“North Korean baseball players are the new market inefficiency.” — Dan Duquette

It took a while – sources were exhausted, as they say – but the NotGraphs Investigative Reporting Investigation Team has delivered, for your reading pleasure, an exclusive interview with Baltimore Orioles general manager Dan Duquette, about the international incident that was the signing of 17-year-old Kim Seong-min.

NotGraphs: Mr. Duquette, thanks for your time, and for taking our call. We appreciate it.

Dan Duquette: Who is this? How did you get this number?

NG: Let’s get right down to business: Kim Seong-min. Today, Baltimore Orioles scouts are banned from South Korea. What the hell, man?

DD: Look, it began innocently enough. All I asked for was Korean food for lunch. Some Bulgogi. I love Bulgogi.

NG: Me too. It’s delicious.

DD: I thought it would be good for morale, a company lunch, for the front office. You know, a big spread, we all sit down and break bread together. I passed the information down the ladder, and one of our interns was put in charge. The next thing I know, we’re eating Thai food for lunch, we’ve got a 17-year-old signed out of South Korea, and both the Korean Baseball Organization and the Korean Baseball Association are up my ass. Not to mention Bud Selig. Trust me, we had no intentions for this to blow up the way it did.

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Over the weekend, an anonymous — and very disgruntled — employee of the New York Metropolitans took part in New York Magazine’s feature, “A Workplace Confidential.” No punches were pulled. Witness:

It’s really sad to see what the Mets have become: A great franchise, on the biggest stage in sports, is now a laughingstock. Ownership is trying to turn the Mets, a big-market franchise, into a small-market franchise. That’s not just sad, it’s disgusting.

You know what I think when I read about the Mets nowadays? We’ve become the Oakland A’s. We’re the Pittsburgh Pirates. Our fans deserve better than that. You can’t possibly build a dynasty when you’re cutting costs left and right. The only way to turn it around is to sell the team.

Nobody wants to be compared to the A’s. Or the Pirates. Especially not the Pirates. I mean, at least the A’s have Moneyball, a 20-game win streak, the playoffs, and a feature film starring Brad Pitt. The Pirates have nothing save for PNC Park. And Andrew McCutchen. But back to the Mets. It gets worse. Prepare to say goodbye to David Wright:

Reyes and David Wright were the heart of that team. Those were the guys the Mets had to build around. But now that Reyes is in Miami, Wright will be traded by the All-Star break. If they’re going to run this like a small-market team, that’s the way it’s going to unfold. If I’m David Wright, I’d want to be gone.

That’s because it’s going to be a long summer–you’re talking about last place. It’s a tough division all of a sudden. Who do we have that’s going to beat Stephen Strasburg or Cliff Lee? Who’s going to match up against Tim Hudson or Tommy Hanson? We won’t even be able to beat Mark Buehrle. Everyone in the division has at least one big weapon that we don’t have.

And all of a sudden, I’m looking forward to watching Mark Buehrle face the Mets.

Anyway, after spending almost all of Monday morning, afternoon, and night on the phone, exhausting all our sources, the resolute NotGraphs Investigative Reporting Investigation Team has personally informed me that they’ve confirmed the identity of New York Magazine’s anonymous writer: Mr. Met.

When I reached Mr. Met for comment, he initially denied that he’d written the piece:

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Manny in his younger days.

The San Francisco Chronicle recently reprinted a nearly fifty year old piece about Manny the Noodle and a supposed conspiracy to get the Dodgers into the World Series by slipping a mickey into a certain Giant’s outfielder’s oatmeal. A notable quote from the bookie incredulously asked “So baseball is different from everything else? Honest or something? Money wins every time, kid. You ride with the money or you’re dead.”

If only to enjoy more elite-level wordsmithing, we caught up with Manny, now fast approaching the century mark and enjoying his lime rickeys in Vero Beach. He had a few more revelations for us.

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In what was perhaps a moderately surprising result, Milwaukee Brewers left fielder Ryan Braun beat out Los Angeles Dodgers center fielder Matt Kemp by a comfortable 56 point margin. The award was not undeserved; Braun’s .433 wOBA and 179 wRC+ just edged out those of Kemp, making him the most productive offensive player in the NL. Braun also becomes the first Jew since Sandy Koufax in 1963 to take home the prize. 

Today, I caught up with Braun over the phone.

Ryan Braun: Hello?

Eric Augenbraun: Hi there, is this Ryan Braun?

RB: Yes it is. Who’s this?

EA: Hi, this is Eric Augenbraun of the baseball website NotGraphs. I was hoping I could ask you a few questions.

RB: Yeah…Wait, how did you get this number?

EA: Well, it’s a long story, but the short version is that I paid off someone at your restaurant.

RB: Wow bro. That seems…unethical.

EA: Maybe. But it’s a cutthroat business I’m in. You do what you gotta do to get the scoop. Anyways, now that I have you, do you think maybe you could answer a few questions?

RB: I guess. Try to make it quick though. It’s been a crazy day.

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THIS IS VERY EXCITING.

In my writeup about BlogsWithBalls 4.0 and the future of blogging, there was some discussion of the role of access in a blogger’s life. It’s complicated.

Access to players can harm a writer’s ability to be coldly analytical. How does one dismiss a hot start as a BABIP-driven streak and then hang out with the player in the dugout later? Or knock a contract as too generous and then congratulate the player on signing it? Or point out that a trade brought too little back and then meet the new players in the clubhouse? Access can create a bit of a pickle, especially for the snarky blogger.

But access, combined with analytics, can also be very exciting.

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This past weekend, I had the great honor of sitting down with two-time Academy Award nominated actor and star of the upcoming film “Moneyball,” Brad Pitt. In the film, Pitt plays Oakland Athletics general manager Billy Beane, who used unconventional methods for evaluating baseball talent to construct a playoff team on a very limited budget. Incidentally, at approximately $47 million, the cost of making “Moneyball” was, in fact, higher than the payroll of the 2002 Athletics. So that’s something.

We talked about everything from his career, to sabermetrics, to his family life. 

Eric Augenbraun: Thanks so much for taking the time out of your busy schedule, Mr. Pitt. Before we start, I just want to say I’ve seen all of your movies and I’m a big fan of your work. 2005 sticks out in my mind as the year of two great snubs: Johan Santana losing the AL Cy Young Award to Bartolo Colon and you losing the MTV Movie Award for your performance in “Troy.”

Brad Pitt: Well, thank you. That’s very kind of you. To be completely honest, I had forgotten I was nominated for anything for my role in that.

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You’ve heard the news by now, surely, the cat having been let out of its proverbial bag. As reported by ESPN on Wednesday, the Toronto Blue Jays are sign stealers; the Toronto Blue Jays are cheaters.

I found the report deeply disturbing. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not troubled by the undeniable facts that prove the Blue Jays are cheating. Not at all. What’s most troublesome about the revelations, to me, a proud Blue Jays supporter, is that Toronto, the sign stealers, can’t even get cheating right. They’re obviously not very good at it, as evidenced by their 30-29 record at the Rogers Centre this season. In 2010, Toronto’s .569 home winning percentage was good for third in the AL East. In 2009, that number was .543, good for — you guessed it — fourth in the division. It’s always third or fourth place, man, and I’m sick of it. If the Jays are going to go to the trouble to cheat, I mean really cheat, allegedly going as far as to put someone — a spy — in the stands to steal signs, I’d much rather they be successful. Cheat, but cheat well, my beloved Blue Jays! I can only hope that general manager Alex Anthopoulos, in his retooling of the franchise, is pouring resources into the Cheating Department as well as the Scouting Department.

But this isn’t about me, and my fandom. It’s about the Blue Jays stealing signs, and where we go from here. The analysis, reactions and rebuttals to the ESPN piece are out there, have been written in spades. And what’s important, here and now, at this moment in time, is that the NotGraphs Investigative Reporting Investigation Team has scored, as you were probably expecting, an exclusive interview with Toronto’s Rogers Centre’s mysterious Man In White. Actually, our bold investigative reporter was honest: He stumbled upon the Man In White by chance, running into him outside the ballpark after Thursday’s matinee between Oakland and Toronto, the Man In White smoking a cigarette outside Rogers Centre’s gate eight. Dressed in immaculately white Adidas runners, black pants, and a tight, white, Anderson Cooper-esque v-neck t-shirt, when asked whether he was actually the now-infamous Man In White, the man responded, “I am he,” blew five cigarette smoke rings, “And he is I.”

The Man In White agreed to sit down with our one man NotGraphs Investigative Reporting Investigation Team at St. Louis Bar and Grill — if we were buying, and we were — across the street from the Rogers Centre. Below is a transcript of the exclusive, bombshell interview:

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Either I’m a big fan of James Lipton or I’ve gotten lazy when it comes to asking questions. But today marks the beginning of something I hope we’ll see a lot of: Inside The Baseball Studio.

Lipton is the zen master and mind-effer of Hollywood’s biggest stars on his show Inside The Actor’s Studio. Let’s see what happens when baseball’s more awesome personalities sit down and get Ice Tea’d. (Lipton, get it. Okay, it was a stretch.) Take two: Let’s see what happens when baseball’s more awesome personalities get Lipton’d. Here’s Bronson Arroyo answering actual questions asked on Inside The Actor’s Studio.

What is your favorite word?

Bronson Arroyo: Favorite word? Hmm, I’d have to say, when you’re playing golf when you only have only a certain amount of holes left and the best they can do is tie you, it’s called dormie. Dormie is my favorite word.

What is your least favorite word?

BA: Least favorite word is probably “like.” Everybody goes around saying like like like.

What is a sound you love?

BA: Rain.

What is a sound you hate?

BA: Nails on a chalk board.

What is your favorite curse word?

BA: Fuck.

What profession other than baseball would you like to try?

BA: The easy answer for me is music, but when I was a kid I always wanted to be a chiropractor. I know, it’s weird, but my dad would bring me and I thought it was cool that this guy could make you feel better by making your bones go crack crack crack and there’s your $45 have a good day.

What profession would you want to avoid?

BA: Roofer. My dad was a roofer in Key West, Florida and being up putting down sheet metal there in 110 degree heat is no fun.

What makes you cry?

BA: Watching old time sports shows on like ESPN about guys like Peter Maravich and it always has that emotional music.

If Heaven exists, what would you like God to say to you when you get to the pearly gates?

BA: Thank god there’s not religion in heaven.