What follows isn’t particularly new, but, other than fresh dimensions of human misery, what really is?
If the Phillies were a nation-state in the literal sense, then what follows would surely prompt the full menu of solemn condemnations on the part of the U.N.:
As grave provocations go, this one is rather nifty. This question, however, is raised: if the Phillies owned the Mets, would they, although brimming with ill intentions and malice aforethought, provide better stewardship than the let’s-set-these-action-figures-on-fire ways of Fred Wilpon and his boy?
In any event, since this shot across the bow has gone unanswered, the New York Mets shall, from this day forward, be known as the Flushing Terms of Surrender. I say it is so; thus it is so.
(Much love: The Mets Police)
The Kansas City Royals are making some changes to their uniforms this upcoming season. You can read about them all here, but there is one change which particularly interests me:
Changes to the alternate home “powder blue” uniforms:
• Jersey will feature a new bolder powder blue color that better represents the original powder blue color of our historic past.
I don’t know about you guys, but I don’t know how much bolder powder blue can get, then, well, powder blue. Honestly, I don’t know if the world can take much more bold than this.
Maybe it’s something like this:
Powder Blue Powder Blue
Whatever it is, the Royals brass should be careful. Too bold of a powder blue could have an utterly disastrous effect on the Kansas City area, much less the world.
Finally! Sweeping change around the Baltimore Orioles!
No, Peter Angelos hasn’t somehow disappeared, to ride out into the sunset as somebody capable or caring takes over the team. Sorry to get your hopes up, Orioles fans. What has happened, however, is a sweeping change in the team’s uniforms: the cartoon bird is back.
Personally, the hat with the realistic oriole that the team has been using since 1989 is one of my favorite caps in the big leagues. But, I know many people, particularly Orioles fans, love this look, one that hearkens back to the days of Brooks Robinson and some other people that probably played for the Orioles or something. And I certainly can’t complain — it’s a good look. Here are a few things I would note:
The accompanying music can best be described as “a murdering of innocents,” and the only thing that would make this more “Miami,” which is America’s worst city, is if an alligator were getting a Brazilian wax on stage while high on coke. Still, I must confess that I kind of like the all-whites and all-grays on awkward, under-duress display here. The font saves the day, as does Ozzie Guillen’s pocket square.
Jeffrey Loria, much like Dick Clark, knows how to reach kids these days.
Your Daguerreotype of the Evening is perhaps fraudulent. But this space is not a bastion of quality assurance, so we don’t much give a shit about that. All we know is that artistic renderings of Morty Klaus Robbman’s uniform have been leaked, and we are absolutely a vessel for leakages …
Geography teachers the world over refer to Florida as “America’s tired-yet-sexless pecker.” The above image has nothing to do with that fact.
What to do you when your favorite player annoyingly takes advantage of his post-Messersmith/McNally liberties and leaves you with a jersey-shirt that serves as nothing better than a reminder of those grim treasons? You improvise like a champion’s championship champion:
Marketing Executive #1: Hello everyone and thank you for coming in today. Here are your Blue Sky thinking sheets.
Andre Dawson: Uh? My Blue Sky sheet’s blank.
Marketing Executive #2: Yes, it’s a blank sheet for you to use in our brainstorming exercise.
Andre Dawson: So why did you call it… never mind.
Marketing Executive #1: Okay it’s time. Please clear your minds. Listen only to the sound of my voice as I soothe away the outside world. We’re ready for inspiration here, and we’re opening our minds. Slowly opening our minds. Slowly exploring the darkness, and expanding above this room.
This is the best logo in baseball history. Yes, there’s the Brewers ball-in-glove logo. Everybody knows about it. It’s awesome. But there’s just something special about the color combination and the retro feel and the all around good vibes I feel when I look at this work of mastery and art and just fantastical niceness.
Please be real.
The team-name font is the same as the leaked Marlins logo. The MLB logo is placed in the exact same place. The Marlins logo has already been confirmed as real. I like our odds. Just please be real.
For those of you (like me) into the aesthetics of athletics, the uniforms worn by the University of Maryland Monday night where a largely discussed topic. Many — like the afore-noted Jay Bilas — were all verklempt, in awe at how the Terrapins ‘ football team could wear such an ugly outfit. Others, like me, were confused at first, but have turned over to the dark side of the weird jerseys.
Enough talking. Observe:
Take it in. Form an opinion. Ready? Okay.
Now, back to Bilas’s tweet. “The 1970′s Astros wouldn’t be caught dead in those uniforms.” Rather than make some sort of judgment of what the 1970′s Astros would or wouldn’t be caught dead in, let’s just take a look at what they were definitely caught alive in, via Dressed to the Nines:
So, what do you think? Which were worse? Or, if you’re crazy, which was better (better as in “more good,” not “less bad”). Personally, I think I can appreciate both. Even though I probably won’t be caught dead in either.
Think of the great miseries of humankind — war, famine, disease, Delta Airlines, Kid Rock — and how we as a people coped with them. Yep: witticisms on shirts. Even our hairy, slope-headed forgoers transferred their ironic cave etchings to the wrinkled pelts of the gomphotheres. They said things like, “My Milkshake Brings All the Homo Neanderthalensises to the Yard,” and “I Caught Crabs at the Patagonian Ice Cap During a Brief Respite in the Sub-Continental Permafrost.”
Fast forward to the current day and time, and you’ll find that Dodger fans, crippled by the misdeeds of America’s Worst BusinessmanTM, are turning to the shirt to help them through the various stages of grief and spittle-flecked rage. First came this, and now comes a more direct assault on the author of their miseries …
My only hope is that in 25 years, these will be the Dodgers’ throwback jerseys.
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