Often, we wonder what might have happened if Napoleon or Hitler weren’t so dumb and had gone on to rule the world. Or, what if Custer didn’t die at Little Big Horn?

I’m excited that my homeboy Ryan Braun just won the NL MVP, but I had this Matt Kemp post pretty much ready to go (didn’t want to jinx Brauny, and am happy to take the credit for jinxing Kemp), so now I present this “acceptance speech” as an alternate reality. Speculative fiction, call it. Move over George Lucas.

Behold, your new king.

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The following is an excerpt from the recently-discovered masterwork, written by hand on a single jumbo-sized two-ply toilet paper roll deep within the catacombs of Kaufmann Stadium. The exact origins of the piece are unknown, but it’s believed that the majority of the passages were transcribed from folklore by a drunken, unemployed Trey Hillman, who hid in the boiler room for weeks after his 2010 dismissal. As for the work itself, it is best read aloud, in a detached voice, deploying copious pauses and wielding a mindset that is ever mindful of the pointlessness of the human condition.

(56th Chorus, as told by Gil Meche)

At another hospital
I almost died
With bursitis
Craning backward at the Ruthian
Rooftops on the Bronx
And at my fellows

Bannister was dying of diabetes
Not enough strong blood
     I had too much.
Bass was dying of die-sadness,
Others had elbows
     Like my Uncle John.

Old Dominican Runelvys
Had Tommy’s Awful Disease,
     the bloating of the belly
     by untamed thyroid
     And the endless wait.
     When it did end
     everything he threw
     turned to glass.

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In response to this morning’s player-profile game at the main site, reader (and possible genius) Jason B decided to make his own mad lib from the framework of Eno Sarris’s write-up of Angel reliever Jordan Walden.

As a service to the entire United States, I’ve inserted Jason’s responses below. Certainly do not hesitate to provide your own version.

Looking back through Wilford Brimley’s minor-league history, it’s hard to find a harbinger for last year’s double-digit strikeout rate. He only once struck out as many as one batter per inning on the farm. But Sisqo was a starter for most of that time, and his move to the pen played up his velocity (his fastball averaged 98.8 MPH) and simplified his repertoire down to that booming fastball and a useful slider. An above-average swinging-strike rate (13.3%) seems to suggest that he can continue to strike Major League batters out, but for fantasy uses, the real question is his proximity to the closer’s role. With Harry from “Harry and the Hendersons”, Janet Reno, and George Wendt in the pen around him, though, Charlamagne has too many veterans to pass to be considered a real sleeper for saves in 2011. Coach Shakira likes his veterans, as mediocre as some of his other options might be. My cat, Mr Purrfect, is best used for strikeouts and holds out of the pen.